Monday, November 30, 2009
And here's our kitchen:
We used to have about a third of the cabinet and counter space as we do now. I cooked our Thanksgiving dinner and not once struggled to find a place to put something! Wow!
Oh, here's us at Thanksgiving. I look too perky. Tim is mellow. And Jack is distracted. Pretty typical.
These pictures do not really do our apartment justice (I'm a writer, not a photographer - someone wanna teach me how to take good pictures?). Let's just say, I love our new place. It is so refreshing. The first night we were here everything was so clean! I felt like we were in a hotel! And then three days later reality set in as I had to clean. Ugh. Whatever. This place is so light and open. The lay out is easy and is actually really helpful for me with maintaining things. We used to have two levels and I could never seem to get things back upstairs after bringing them down. NOW the laundry area is right next to our bedrooms. So practical.
Now for a little heart to heart. Settling in is not the only reason I have not written for some time. The other reason is I really needed time to heal and recover. Actually, I still need some time. I do not want to spew all of my thoughts and feelings all over the internet as it can be so easy to do in the blog world. After the move, I was pretty emotionally and psychologically crippled for about a week. Thankfully my mom came to help us settle in and I was able to rest.
In the last month I have realized several areas of hurt that have kept me down. On top of that, I have accepted the fact that depression is an illness. It is not my fault. There is nothing I did or didn't do that brought this on me. I am on an anti-depressant now that has made a huge difference. Sure, at times I am anxious or feel as though there's a weight on my shoulders, but not every day. Actually, this weekend I felt lighthearted and happy. It is such a relief.
Thank you all for your prayers. Thank you for your support. And thank you for loving me. I know my battle with depression is not over, but because I know God is with me I have hope. I would like to share more about this journey with you another time. Right now I need to get to bed.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
I don't have any fun pictures of the apartment yet (there are still boxes lying around the living room and things that need to find their place), but I do have this:
That's right! We invested in a brand new, front loading, energy efficient, sanitizing, silver washer and dryer! Jack sat watching the clothes spin for at least fifteen minutes. Actually... we all did. Seriously, it's mesmerizing.
More to come!
Thursday, November 5, 2009
I find myself swirling in the downward spiral of self-doubt and low self-esteem. I am overwhelmed with packing, I feel I’m not doing or haven’t done enough to make Saturday successful and so I feel bad about myself. The pain is back in my chest, the hurt over not feeling loved, not feeling valuable.
And I am trying to hear the truth that I am not valuable because of what I do. I just am valuable. I am loveable because I am. And because God is God.
I was just rocking Jack back to sleep (which I felt guilty for because I haven’t been consistent about letting him cry it out – whatever “it” is) and, as I was wrestling with God over these issues, I looked down at Jack’s hands folded over his tummy which rose and fell with each deep breath. I was in awe of him and love for him swelled in my heart.
That’s how God loves me.
The thought came out of nowhere (or maybe sent from Him…) and I am still processing it. God loves me not because of what I do. God loves me because I exist. Because each person is infinitely valuable, loveable and precious.
That’s such a different message from what the world says. There are so many messages that bombard us. There are “the shoulds.” There are the titles, awards, and hierarchies which tell us who is important, who is successful. There are the advertisements that tell us if we had this hair, that cell phone or ate that food, then we would be somebody.
“But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8).
Did you get that? Before you did anything – right or wrong – God loved you and pursued you. The Bible is a grand love story of God pursuing our fallen human race. The laws in the Old Testament were set in place to purify us so we could commune with Him. Christ died to cleanse us so we could have an intimate relationship with Him.
And tonight God loves me even though I am not perfect. He loves me in the midst of the messages saying I'm not enough. He loves me even though I put Jack in front of the TV to get work done. He loves me even though I packed a box too heavy tonight. And he loves me even though not everything will be packed by Saturday.
I imagine Him rocking me to sleep tonight…
watching me take deep breathes…
God, please help me accept your love and live in the freedom of the Beloved.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
After I went to the fabric store and couldn't find the right fake fur for the skunk idea I gave up and bought a costume. Yeah, I didn't try very hard... but even that was a lot of effort for me.
I've mentioned a few times my struggle with depression. Well, in the last few weeks it has gotten much worse. I haven't cared much about doing anything and the little energy I had went into daily life; however, even those few chores I have been able to do have taken the life out of me. I don't know how to describe it except when I would look at the dishes on the counter I felt pain in my gut. As though every chore was a personal insult that struck me at my core.
Last week, in the middle of the major snowstorm here in Denver, I went in to the doctor and am now on an anti-depressant. The hope I feel just knowing that it is going to get better soon is helping me through each day. Soon I'm going to be myself again! Wow. That is awesome.
I write all of this because many of you have told me your own struggles. I want you to know you are not alone. And I encourage you to seek help. There are some amazing therapists, friends, and doctors out there who can help you. They've helped me.
And maybe next year I'll have the energy to make Jack this costume:
p.s. Now that I'm feeling a little better, I hope to start writing on a regular basis again. Thanks for reading!