The Toothless Grin

Friendship

2010-06-18T18:55:00.000-07:00

I haven't written in ages, but if you haven't updated your links to my blog, it can now be found at http://thetoothlessgrin.wordpress.com. I wrote on Friendship and Community last night. Something I am trying to encourage in my life. Come join me! You're my community too!

The Toothless Grin Has Moved!

2010-03-24T11:23:00.001-07:00

Keep following us at www.thetoothlessgrin.wordpress.com!!

Um… I think I think I can

2010-03-08T18:09:00.000-08:00

You all remember the little train that could, right? I’m not sure where the story began, but I remember that clip from dumbo…

I’m not sure if I should say I feel like that train or what, but I feel like I’m about to attempt something I’m not sure I can do.

Last week I got a Facebook invitation to run the Bolder Boulder (a 10K) with my friend Erin. I don’t know why, maybe Erin made it sound like a lot of fun or I put on my rose colored glasses, but I started to think That is a really good idea. I should do that! On Saturday I ran a mile for the first time in probably ten years and felt awesome. Like I could conquer the world.

Today I ran 1.5 miles. Let’s just say it was a very different experience. When the treadmill said 0.75 miles I found myself praying to God. “Oh God, I can’t do this. Please help me do this. I can’t do this.” A much different running dialogue from that cute little train.

Here’s my question to you. Has anyone ever gone from “Couch to 10K?” Cause that’s what I’m essentially trying to do. Did it ever feel better? Did the training make you feel good? Because ever since .75 miles, I have felt like I need to have a really good cry. I didn’t expect such an emotional response to pushing myself so hard physically! I now understand why The Biggest Loser contestants always break down.

I just need some encouragement.

I remember that the end of this clip was inspiring to me as a kid. It brought me so much joy to see that little engine so happy! I hope that when May 31^st comes around I will be running into that stadium feeling exalted and saying to myself “I thought I could! I thought I could! I thought I could!”

Oh yeah, this is what it is to be a mom...

2010-03-07T14:00:00.000-08:00

I just found this post that I wrote on my birthday (February 16th) and apparently never published. Well, I want to share it now. It looks like I never quite finished it which is probably why I never published it. Oh well!

It's my birthday today. This year's birthday feels so much different from previous birthdays. Last year was my first birthday with Jack. My sister-friend Krysta sent me a card telling me to let Jack and Tim care for me that day. While I appreciated the sentiment, the reality was that Jack was still completely dependent on me for nourishment so I couldn't exactly "get away" or not take care of him. And I'm pretty sure Tim had to work.

That was a hard time.

I was hopeful that this year would be more special, more selfishly devoted to me. But last night when I went to care for Jack who had a fever of 101.8 and was screaming out of pain or.... something (it's still a guessing game, you know?), I thought, yup. Just another day. With only 5 hours of sleep. Yawn.

But really, when is it just another day? I feel when I start getting this attitude I begin to feel entitled to so much more than I am. I want to be thankful for each day and everything it brings. This is so much easier said than done, but I don't think it's at all off-base.

So here's what I'm thankful for and what I love on my 28th birthday.

My wonderful husband who arranged for a babysitter and is taking me out to play games at an arcade tonight because I want to. (I know, I'm a dork - but I'm so sick of the usual dinner and a movie...)
My adorable son Jack whose smiles, cuddles and laughter warm my heart. He's wonderful.
My parents who I can call at any time (like my dad at 12:30am his time last night) and who support everything I do.
My sisters who have all wished me a happy birthday birthday (I love you guys!).
I now have a job I love with coworkers I respect who sang "Happy Birthday" to me this morning. (I am special today!)
The fact that I don't have to worry about food and can go to sleep tonight under a down comforter.
The free cold-stone "like-it" creation I ate last night and the Caribou coffee mocha I drank this morning that were FREE because it's my birthday! (sign up on their websites to receive emails... for all the junk mail throughout the year, this is definitely worth it) - oh, the other stuff I got for free was awesome too (DQ, Noodles, Qdoba...)

Having it all Together - what does that even MEAN anyways?

2010-03-07T12:45:00.000-08:00

I was mall-walking with a friend of mine who is navigating the choppy waters of working mom/partially working at home mom and she said to me “I feel like I’m failing at everything. I’m failing as a mother, as a wife and as a kung-fu instructor." [Job title changed to help my friend remain anonymous. ;)]

I look around my apartment right now and holy cow, if you’re judging me as anything based on the state of our home, yes I am failing. There are dishes piled in the sink, shoes scattered around the front door, toys in the strangest places, crochet projects half finished draped over my chair… and on and on. Oh! And on top of all of that mess, there are Subway wrappers and a Little Caesars box in the trash – actually, the box is still on top of the stove, but you get the idea. I have not been cooking homemade meals much this last week because I can’t figure out when to get to the grocery store or what to make for dinner in the first place. It’s as though that part of my brain has been replaced by other things that need to get done.

And the thing is, I don’t care. I’ve given up on keeping everything tidy and I know that when I get into the swing of things I will be back to making meals again. I recently read somewhere (can’t remember where at the moment) that we need to stop apologizing for our messy homes because 1) it gives off the perception that we have everything in perfect order other times and 2) it makes others feel that their homes shouldn’t be messy either.

I also think that if I try to compare what I was able to do before Jack was born with what I am able to do now, I will feel miserable. Life has changed. I have experienced a huge transition and with that I have been able to see what is really important. My relationship with Jack is more important than the fact that the dishes need to be done. So I get on the floor and roll around with him. The dishes can wait. My relationship with Tim is more important than the laundry. So I get on the floor… never mind. ;)

What I’m trying to say is that our standards need to change. What we might see as mediocre is actually huge success. And we need to encourage one another to feel that way too.

So, for all of you moms who feel like you should’ve done more, know this: I am proud of you. You have done exactly what it is you are able to do and that is exactly enough.

Oh, and you shouldn’t should on yourself. ;)

Love you all!

Jesus was NOT a mom.

2010-03-04T18:30:00.001-08:00

You know, it has once again been “one of those days.” It started out well. I was in a groove, getting work done, feeling good, when Tim and Jack came home. Immediately life was disrupted and it hasn’t really calmed down. Oh sure, we weren’t busy all day, but I never got back to work. And I felt like Jack and I were bored. I would have left if I could, but you can’t exactly leave a 15 month old child at home alone (he’s fifteen months today! Isn’t that crazy?). We did go to the park, but that’s only stimulating for Jack, if you know what I mean.

I tried to feed Jack dinner, but he kept throwing everything on the floor. Already feeling worn out and testy, I pulled him from his seat, put him in the hallway for a “time out” and firmly said “NO throwing things on the floor. NO.”

I came back to him a minute later and, though he wasn’t upset, he said “No. No. No!” Copying me of course. I gave him a bath after he peed on himself and I have finally been able to put him to bed.

Now it’s my alone time, but I still have work to do.

One of my favorite passages in the Bible says, For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. (Hebrews 4:15-16) In other words, Jesus has gone through all of the crap we go through and understands what we go through every day. Therefore, he will help us as we struggle through each day.

As I was rocking Jack to sleep I thought, but Jesus, you were never a Mom. You were never a working mom. How the heck do you know what I’m dealing with?

And then I started remembering this story when Jesus had been healing people all day. The next morning, he went away, up a mountain to spend some time alone with God. And the disciples followed him. They said, “Jesus, there are more people for you to heal.” And I’m sure, inside he was screaming (without sin of course), “Leave me alone, leave me alone, leave me alone!!!”

He had so many people coming after him all of the time, demanding everything from him. Yes, he was God, but he was also human and that kind of ministry must have been exhausting.

And in a way, he did say to the people, “leave me alone.” He told the disciples, “Let us go somewhere else – to the nearby villages – so I can preach there also. That is why I have come.” (Mark 1:38) He did not just do whatever everyone told him to do. He knew his purpose and did it.

So often moms and wives and women in general are “yes-women.” We’re taught to be that way. But if we follow Jesus’ example, we take time with the Father and do what He wants us to do.

I wonder what that would have looked like for me today. Maybe it wouldn’t have been trying to accommodate Jack’s every whim, but instead would have been preparing my lesson for Sunday while keeping him on my radar. If I had done that, I wouldn’t be dreading an evening of study right now and I’d have some alone time.

So, what should I do now? Probably take that alone time. With God. And rest in the fact that Jesus knows what it’s like to have other people/things demanding my attention. Yes, I’ll do that. And try again tomorrow.

reluctant update with a fun ending (at least I think so)

2010-03-03T20:16:00.000-08:00

Sigh.

Once again it has been a long time since I have written. Whenever more than a week goes by, I feel like I need to write this huge update and I don’t like writing updates. They’re so boring to me. Not creative enough. But I want to catch you up on me and explain why I haven’t written, so here you go. ;)

Things have been so crazy for me. I am settling in to my new job at Scum of the Earth Church. I received my license on Sunday (woohoo!) and am now officially a pastor. And guess what. I love my job. Love it.

I get to teach. And study. And talk to people about God and stuff. It’s so cool! It’s exactly what I hoped for. Plus, it’s really flexible with Jack because I can do a lot of work from home.

But that’s also the problem. I do a lot of work at home.

I can’t seem to figure out how to balance everything! It didn’t help that Jack was sick for nearly two weeks. Oh, and then Tim got sick. And I wasn’t feeling right. But beyond that interruption, it is still tough to say, “I’ll work during his nap.” Because naptime comes and I am hungry or need to shower so I do those things and have thirty minutes before Jack gets up. When he was sick I did all of my work in the evening that week. THAT was exhausting.

But, here I am. I was able to work for four hours today at Solid Grounds and I hope to continue having Wednesdays for that. Once Tim starts working full time again I hope to find childcare at least one day a week. That would be a nice rhythm.

Here’s an update on Jack. Ready?

He’s crawling!!

I feel like we have a pet, because he comes up behind us so that we nearly step on him. And he gets into things he couldn’t before, tearing up papers and making a HUGE mess. It’s pretty cute. The other day he was in our bedroom with me and Tim. I went to the kitchen and a moment later I could hear grunt pant pant grunt It was Jack coming after me. So so so cute! He looks even smaller when he crawls all balled up. I love it.

We are finding so many things that need to be childproofed. I’ve given up on the DVD/VCR/HD box. He could push those buttons all day long. It keeps him occupied, so I let him. :)

Well, that’s all for tonight. I hope to soon be settled and back to my normal self. Sweet dreams!

back off people!

2010-02-08T18:39:00.000-08:00

Can I vent? Ok, I will...

I am so tired of people asking me if Jack is walking. I am also tired of people asking me if Jack is crawling. I am even more tired of people telling me, "it's ok, he will."

Yeah, I know.

The fact that Jack isn't very mobile doesn't usually bother me. He's not getting into things. He's content. We're all happy.

My sister didn't walk until she was 18 months. I didn't walk until I was 15 months. My dad didn't talk until he was 3 years! We are all a little slow in my family and we are all geniuses.

;)

I know everyone is trying to rejoice in Jack when they ask these questions. They want to be happy for him growing up. And when he doesn't meet their expectations, they try to encourage me that he's ok. I know he's ok. He's so smart! He signs "please, more, bye-bye, light, all done" and sometimes "puppy." He answers yes and no questions - well, at least when the answer is "yes." His favorite word is "Woah!" and he's the cutest kid in the world!

I am just beginning to see how some moms (and dads) get their sense of self-worth from their children. I have never felt that way until Jack didn't crawl when expected and everyone started looking at me with pity. And now I feel responsible for making him crawl as though it's my fault that he's not. I can see how that might lead to me feeling like I'm responsible for him getting good grades or excelling in sports or music or whatever.

I do not want to be that mom.

I am not going to be that mom.

So, in case you're wondering, no, Jack is not walking. And, no, he is not crawling.

And I am proud of him.

Self-Knowledge & Self-Care

2010-02-04T22:41:00.001-08:00

Do you ever feel like you’re still figuring yourself out? I am always surprised when I have to relearn fast facts about me. For example, I’m an introvert. I love people. I love being with people and talking to people, but people also wear me out.

Today I hosted the mom’s group from my church. It was great to have everyone over – even though Jack was obsessively clingy, but that’s a different issue altogether. I enjoyed spending time with the other moms. When they left I thought I would put Jack down for his nap, eat a quick lunch, and get right to work.

But I was drained.

I needed time to decompress. I needed to do something that would help me relax before I could get to work, so I looked at my comics. Here are some of my recent favs: (note: if you click on them they will show up bigger on another screen)

(I really relate to Baby Blues. Have I said that? Cause I do…)

Anyway, by the time I had laughed a little and relaxed, I had fifteen minutes to prepare for Sunday before Jack woke up.

I just wonder when I will catch on to me. I need to make my plans not just around Jack’s schedule, but around my own. I need to acknowledge my needs and prepare for them like I prepare for Jack’s naps. It’s complicated caring for a baby. I hope I can learn to care for myself too otherwise I don’t know how I would survive with another one.

Which reminds me of another comic…

My Own Pace

2010-01-28T22:17:00.000-08:00

I have begun to wonder when will be the next time Tim and I try to get pregnant again. Well, last time we didn't exactly try... but we didn't try to not try. Make sense? ;)

Anyways, there are many factors to consider.
1) Tim will be in school for at least another year.
2) Jack isn't crawling or walking yet and I want to have a mobile child when I'm pregnant.

3) I really don't want more than one child under the age of 2... or even 2 1/2 for that matter.

4) The thought of the first three months of both pregnancy and after birth make me squeemish.

On the other hand

1) More than once I have seen a newborn and thought, "Aw... I want one... I think?"

2) ...

Ok, I guess that's it. I have no urgency for trying again at this time. But the thoughts have begun to cross my mind and they do surprise me. Not too long ago any such thoughts made me want to run far far away. I've heard that by 15 months you forget all of the bad and long for the good. At nearly 14 months I'm beginning to see what they mean.

Yikes!

Whatever the case, I think it is safe to say I will take Wanda's advice:

When do YOU shower?

2010-01-28T12:42:00.000-08:00

Today Jack and I got up at 8:30 am (I know, right? Wonderful!) and sat around watching Sesame Street until we went to the mall for some exercise. Ok, I admit mall walking is hardly an intense workout, but I need to do something and it is the only thing I have been able to do with Jack and even then he interrupts it.

We did stop to watch the puppies at the pet store. Too cute!

Anyways, Jack fell asleep on the way home. I put him to bed, grabbed some food for myself, took a few minutes to relax and was about to go shower when Jack woke up - an hour before I expected him to!

So, no shower for me yet. Not that I'm disgustingly sweaty or anything, but I do feel a bit gross. I am not sure if Jack will take another nap today or if I will have to wait until he goes to bed for the night - which might be 8pm after sleeping in - before I can feel clean again.

And I'm wondering, when do all of you moms shower?

Do you wake up extra early before your kid(s) wake up? Do you take one at night? Do you do it while your kiddos are awake? I just don't know what to do today except sit around feeling a tad disgusting.

Alright, not the most inspiring post today, I know. Just wondering if anyone smells like me... ;)

Children and Chocolate

2010-01-20T20:04:00.000-08:00

In the last year, as my love for Jack has deepened, I have also grown in compassion for other children. While poverty made me sad before, it now breaks my heart. The suffering millions are experiencing in Haiti right now is overwhelming, but the pain I feel for the parents who lost their children and for children who lost their parent(s) breaks me.

This past year I have also become more and more aware of the reality of slavery in this world. Children are kidnapped and forced into labor, military, and, most disgusting of all, sex slavery all around the world. It is estimated that there are more than twenty seven million people enslaved today - more than any other point in history. When I start reading the facts on websites like www.notforsalecampaign.org and www.iempathize.org I am ready to vomit.

And so often I have wondered, what can I do?!

Recently it has come to my attention that both coffee and chocolate are largely produced by slaves from the Ivory Coast. The details of the child slavery as written in this article are shocking. Legislation has been passed and many chocolate companies, such as Hershey and Mars, are working to end that, but I suspect this will take a very very long time. The article I linked to above stated that there are many chocolate companies whose cocoa is not produced by slave labor including Green and Black's which I know Target sells (their website has a coupon for their Peanut Bar - sounds delicious!).

Beyond the problem of slave labor is the also serious injustice of sweatshops and "unfair trade" (is that a thing? the opposite of fair trade, that's what I'm trying to say). Cheap labor in other countries results in dire poverty for the masses. Poverty like that in Port au Prince. Every day I am becoming more and more aware that a low price for me comes at a cost to someone. I don't know enough about fair trade right now, but it is something I want to learn about and invest in. Does that mean no more shopping at Target for a good deal? I don't know right now, but I am seeking answers.

The truth is that so much of the stuff I feel I have to have, I don't. This consumeristic mentallity I am wrapped up in (more, newer, bigger, better - I want it!) not only distracts me from the One I am truly yearning for, but it hurts so many people who cary His Image.

One thing I do know, I can stop supporting slavery by buying different chocolate. It feels very small to change my chocolate eating habits, but for the sake of the children on the Ivory Coast - and as a stance against slavery everywhere - I will.

God help us.

Wordless Wednesday

2010-01-13T07:11:00.000-08:00

The Not So Toothless Grin

2010-01-11T19:34:00.000-08:00

That's right, Jack has four teeth! Two on top, two on bottom. Up until recently you still couldn't see the teeth when he smiled, but those pearly whites are becoming more visible every day. I knew the day would come when my blog name would no longer be relevant, but I'm not changing it!

I have been amazed at the amount of time it takes for one tooth to come in. Some of my friends' babies get teeth one after another. Jack's teeth stay under the gums for weeks at a time causing swelling and one fussy baby! Every time a new tooth pops out I feel like I just got my baby back.

My favorite thing about the teeth is not just his adorable smile, but the fact that now he can eat table foods! Most of the time he eats whatever we eat and it is so cute to see him nibble on a Cheerio or shove an entire pancake in his mouth. Tonight we had spaghetti. (Can you see the teeth?)

Needless to say, Jack went straight from the table to the tub where he proceeded to splash and soak me. Then, when I wash washing his hair, he grabbed my arm and bit me.

Yes, I have a biter.

I never thought that would happen! My sweet little boy bites? Jack has also bit Tim while Tim was cutting his nails and me on other occassions. And he bites hard! I'm not sure what to do about this except say "no." But that seems to be really ineffective. Has anyone else had to deal with this? I'm just glad he's not known at a day care as "the kid who bites other babies." Nope, he's just the kid who bites me. :)

Playing House

2010-01-08T18:59:00.000-08:00

Going home for Christmas was great. We relaxed, spent time with family, and everyone else took care of Jack! This was probably the best vacation we have had since Jack was born simply because he is so much more independent and I am no longer nursing him. I mean we were able to give him a bottle in the car on the drive to Wisconsin! No 45 minute stops for feedings. And he can feed himself with finger food and plays with toys... it's great. Oh and he loves people so he enjoyed every single person who picked him up.

And I got a break.

You know, it's funny, though I've been a mom for a year, I still feel like I'm "playing house." Whenever I get a break from caring for Jack, especially when my mom is here and basically takes over (which is always such a relief), I feel like this is how it should be. She's the real mom, I have just been playing make believe.

Last night Jack woke up screaming and I picked him up to comfort him. As I rocked him, I looked at that sleeping baby and thought "I feel like such a kid and here I am... a mom!" I have been referring to myself as "Mommy" since December 4th, 2008 and that seemed natural, but now Jack is calling for me saying "Ma ma ma" and it is so bizarre! I don't feel like a mom. Most of the time I still feel like a teenager trying to figure out life!

It astounds me that Jack loves me the way I love my mom. I am the one turns to for comfort. I am the one he gives sloppy kisses to. I am the one he cuddles with every night.

On another note, it is so much fun to see Jack adore Tim, his "Da da." Whenever Tim walks into the room Jack's little face lights up and he practically lunges out of my arms squealing with delight. They have a special bond and Tim is such a natural dad.

Though at times this all feels unnatural, I love my family. Jack is such a wonderful blessing and Tim such a loving dad and husband, I thank God they are part of my life.

So I will keep on playing house. Maybe some day I will feel like a natural mom.

One Year

2009-12-08T13:59:00.000-08:00

I finally have a moment to sit down and write! Yay for delayed appointments!

Friday was Jack’s birthday. I can’t believe my little boy is one! And in other ways I feel like the past year was at least two years’ time. Seriously, I felt like the first three months were never going to end. But they did and the next nine months were times of giggles and exploration. It is such a joy for me to see Jack experience something new for the first time. He recently rediscovered his toes and sucks on them while I’m changing his diaper. Why? I don’t know. But it is adorable. And tonight he had a ball figuring out how to roll around the room.

I was watching Ellen last week and Minnie Driver was on. Minnie glowed as she talked about her 15 month old son Henry and shared a video of him making animal sounds (it was adorable by the way – something else to look forward to with Jack!). Minnie – why do I feel like I’m talking about Minnie Mouse? – said that she never knew she could love this much. She said “Every day you think you can’t love them anymore and you do. It’s extraordinary you find that you have an ever expanding heart which is a magical thing to discover.” I can totally relate.

At this time I can't help but be reflective. I remember a little over a year ago, when I was still very very pregnant, pulling out my Christmas music and listening to Amy Grant’s “Breath of Heaven.” While I always loved the mysterious, beautiful melody, the words took on new meaning to me as I was “weary with a babe inside.” Mary’s prayer became very personal to me as I also prayed:

I am waiting in a silent prayer
I am frightened by the load I bear
In a world as cold as stone

Must I walk this path alone
Be with me now
Be with me now

Breath of Heaven
Hold me together
Be forever near me
Breath of Heaven
Breath of Heaven
Lighten my darkness
Pour over me, your holyness
For your holy Breath of Heaven

Today my prayer remains the same. I am utterly dependent on my Father to be with me now. To lighten my darkness. To guide me in this cold world that is such a fallen state of its original Eden. I need Him to comfort me as a mother. I need Him to guide me in raising my son. I need to know that He is always there.

If I can say anything about this past year it is that God has been faithful to me. He has revealed to me that He was there when I didn’t feel Him. He has taught me about the depth of His love for me through my love for my son. He has held me when I cried. He has led me to healing from the agony of depression. But most of all, He has loved me.

I hope someday Jack also knows that love.

We had a few friends over to celebrate Jack’s birthday. He enjoyed his first taste of sugar with his birthday cake, reunited with his old friend Amaya, grinned at his new friend Beck and loved his gifts! Enjoy these snapshots and videos!

A More Substantial Update

2009-11-30T20:24:00.000-08:00

OK. I am going to finally post a couple of pictures of the apartment. I kept waiting and waiting because I wanted everything to be in its place in order to impress you all, but tonight I realized things will never be in their place. This is me we're talking about! So here's the living room (please note the beautiful gas fireplace):

And here's our kitchen:

We used to have about a third of the cabinet and counter space as we do now. I cooked our Thanksgiving dinner and not once struggled to find a place to put something! Wow!

Oh, here's us at Thanksgiving. I look too perky. Tim is mellow. And Jack is distracted. Pretty typical.

These pictures do not really do our apartment justice (I'm a writer, not a photographer - someone wanna teach me how to take good pictures?). Let's just say, I love our new place. It is so refreshing. The first night we were here everything was so clean! I felt like we were in a hotel! And then three days later reality set in as I had to clean. Ugh. Whatever. This place is so light and open. The lay out is easy and is actually really helpful for me with maintaining things. We used to have two levels and I could never seem to get things back upstairs after bringing them down. NOW the laundry area is right next to our bedrooms. So practical.

Now for a little heart to heart. Settling in is not the only reason I have not written for some time. The other reason is I really needed time to heal and recover. Actually, I still need some time. I do not want to spew all of my thoughts and feelings all over the internet as it can be so easy to do in the blog world. After the move, I was pretty emotionally and psychologically crippled for about a week. Thankfully my mom came to help us settle in and I was able to rest.

In the last month I have realized several areas of hurt that have kept me down. On top of that, I have accepted the fact that depression is an illness. It is not my fault. There is nothing I did or didn't do that brought this on me. I am on an anti-depressant now that has made a huge difference. Sure, at times I am anxious or feel as though there's a weight on my shoulders, but not every day. Actually, this weekend I felt lighthearted and happy. It is such a relief.

Thank you all for your prayers. Thank you for your support. And thank you for loving me. I know my battle with depression is not over, but because I know God is with me I have hope. I would like to share more about this journey with you another time. Right now I need to get to bed.

Goodnight!

I'm back!

2009-11-21T18:47:00.000-08:00

Wow, it has been more than two weeks since I have written anything. And honestly, I have needed the time off. Not that blogging is work or anything, but the last two weeks have been a huge adjustment. In case you don't remember, we moved!!

I don't have any fun pictures of the apartment yet (there are still boxes lying around the living room and things that need to find their place), but I do have this:

That's right! We invested in a brand new, front loading, energy efficient, sanitizing, silver washer and dryer! Jack sat watching the clothes spin for at least fifteen minutes. Actually... we all did. Seriously, it's mesmerizing.

More to come!

Rock Me to Sleep...

2009-11-05T21:08:00.000-08:00

I find myself swirling in the downward spiral of self-doubt and low self-esteem. I am overwhelmed with packing, I feel I’m not doing or haven’t done enough to make Saturday successful and so I feel bad about myself. The pain is back in my chest, the hurt over not feeling loved, not feeling valuable.

And I am trying to hear the truth that I am not valuable because of what I do. I just am valuable. I am loveable because I am. And because God is God.

I was just rocking Jack back to sleep (which I felt guilty for because I haven’t been consistent about letting him cry it out – whatever “it” is) and, as I was wrestling with God over these issues, I looked down at Jack’s hands folded over his tummy which rose and fell with each deep breath. I was in awe of him and love for him swelled in my heart.

That’s how God loves me.

The thought came out of nowhere (or maybe sent from Him…) and I am still processing it. God loves me not because of what I do. God loves me because I exist. Because each person is infinitely valuable, loveable and precious.

That’s such a different message from what the world says. There are so many messages that bombard us. There are “the shoulds.” There are the titles, awards, and hierarchies which tell us who is important, who is successful. There are the advertisements that tell us if we had this hair, that cell phone or ate that food, then we would be somebody.

“But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8).

Did you get that? Before you did anything – right or wrong – God loved you and pursued you. The Bible is a grand love story of God pursuing our fallen human race. The laws in the Old Testament were set in place to purify us so we could commune with Him. Christ died to cleanse us so we could have an intimate relationship with Him.

And tonight God loves me even though I am not perfect. He loves me in the midst of the messages saying I'm not enough. He loves me even though I put Jack in front of the TV to get work done. He loves me even though I packed a box too heavy tonight. And he loves me even though not everything will be packed by Saturday.

I imagine Him rocking me to sleep tonight…

watching me take deep breathes…

loving me.

God, please help me accept your love and live in the freedom of the Beloved.

An Update

2009-11-03T09:37:00.000-08:00

On Saturday my little Jack became a...

After I went to the fabric store and couldn't find the right fake fur for the skunk idea I gave up and bought a costume. Yeah, I didn't try very hard... but even that was a lot of effort for me.

I've mentioned a few times my struggle with depression. Well, in the last few weeks it has gotten much worse. I haven't cared much about doing anything and the little energy I had went into daily life; however, even those few chores I have been able to do have taken the life out of me. I don't know how to describe it except when I would look at the dishes on the counter I felt pain in my gut. As though every chore was a personal insult that struck me at my core.

Last week, in the middle of the major snowstorm here in Denver, I went in to the doctor and am now on an anti-depressant. The hope I feel just knowing that it is going to get better soon is helping me through each day. Soon I'm going to be myself again! Wow. That is awesome.

I write all of this because many of you have told me your own struggles. I want you to know you are not alone. And I encourage you to seek help. There are some amazing therapists, friends, and doctors out there who can help you. They've helped me.

And maybe next year I'll have the energy to make Jack this costume:

Maybe...

p.s. Now that I'm feeling a little better, I hope to start writing on a regular basis again. Thanks for reading!

Keep Holding On

2009-10-26T12:26:00.000-07:00

Quinn's pregnant.

Everyone knows.

She's devastated.

The glee club sings to her "Keep Holding On."

And in one moment, Kurt looks at Quinn with such empathy, such love, I felt I saw God.

A couple of weeks ago I shared my current struggle with depression. Since then, I have received encouragement from others who are share my struggle. I have also felt myself growing more exhausted with daily life.

But while watching Glee yesterday afternoon, in that one moment, with that one look from Kurt, tied with those words, I heard God say, "I'm hear for you." He's there with a love that keeps loving no matter where we find ourselves, no matter what we've done, what we feel, what we think of ourselves.

So, like me, keeping holding on to that love. We'll make it through.

The Lord Bless You and Keep You

2009-10-23T15:10:00.000-07:00

Several months ago I began singing to Jack the same beautiful song, "The Choral Benediction," every night. Well... the song is beautiful, my singing is not always all that great. In high school, our choir sang this song to close every concert. Below is a video from youtube a member of my sister's choir took during their performance of "the Choral Ben" in Vatican Square.

Recently, Jack has begun to "sing" along with me. It is so sweet to hear his voice linger on one note and even seem to carry the rhythm of the song. The other night, I swear he tried to sing "Amen."

The words to the song are from Numbers 6:24-26, often referred to as "Aaron's Prayer."

This is also my prayer for you today.

The Lord bless you and keep you.
The Lord lift his countenance upon you
and give you peace.
The Lord make his face to shine upon you
and be gracious unto you.
Amen

Wordless Wednesday: Favorite Body Parts Edition

2009-10-21T14:15:00.000-07:00

The Shoulds

2009-10-19T07:07:00.000-07:00

From the days of June Cleaver (and perhaps earlier?), there have been expectations of what a mother and wife should do. While I get incredibly angry over the idea that she should be submissive - even subservient to her husband, put everything aside for the sake of her children, and is responsible for the actions of everyone in her family (think about it, how many times are women shunned because her children act out), I still feel that I'm failing because I'm not accomplishing certain "shoulds."

Last night, as I was reflecting on this, I made a list of the "shoulds" I have struggled accomplishing.

I should have a neat house.
I should have a clean (spotless) house.
I should only eat and feed my family healthy food.
I should never turn on the tv, especially if Jack is in the room.
I should always be happy.
I should love very day.
I should never spend money on "extras" that may cause us to go over budget.

As I have been a stay at home mom, I have had a running track in my head telling me these are the things I should be doing and that because not one of these things has been done all of the time I am failing. The message in my head is telling me that I am not a good mother or wife because there are books and papers constantly stacked on the dining room table, there are almost always dishes on the kitchen counter, and my bathroom floor has not been mopped in months (which does gross me out by the way). I am embarrassed to have friends over because my house doesn't look anything like the homes in Real Simple or the house porn catalogs (I stole your phrase Carla!). Because I have been feeling so horrible about these things, when I start looking at everything that needs to be done in order for life to be "perfect" I become overwhelmed and am paralyzed from doing anything. Hence, the dishes stack up, the laundry piles up, and the dust builds up.

Now don't get me wrong, as I write these things and read them I know they are ridiculous. I know that the heart is more important. I know that Jack knowing I love him and spending time with him is more important than me putting away the laundry. But it can be so hard to fight those voices when the world continues to tell you that your house should look like this (with only one toy strategically placed):

and your meals should be like that:

While my house currently looks like this:

And our lunch today was that:

Many years ago, when I was a sophomore at Bethel, Brennan Manning came to speak at our chapel. I can remember one line from that sermon and it has been playing in my head over and over as I write this: "You shouldn't should on yourself." (try saying that ten times fast -yikes!)

You shouldn't should on yourself.

Why? Because God is the God of grace. He is the God of forgiveness. He is the God of healing. These shoulds put us down and damn us when "There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus" (Romans 8:1). I believe these thoughts, these shoulds that make us question our worth and our value are from the devil himself. Our enemy who seeks to destroy us when God wants us to experience life (John 10:10). When we strive after them, we are striving after an image of ourselves that in reality is worth less than who we truly are, loved by God.

Last night, these words from Zephania 3:17 brought tears and healing as I pictured God's great love for me - messy house and all:

The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing.

I wonder, what are your shoulds? It may be that you have no trouble keeping your house immaculate and you are gifted at whipping up delicious and nutricious meals. Do you have areas that you feel you are constantly failing in? Please, bring these hurts, these shoulds before our Father and reflect on the verse printed above.

He delights in you.

He rejoices over you.

Wow.

Halloween Costume Idea

2009-10-15T20:38:00.000-07:00

I love dressing up and pretending to be someone else. Growing up, I didn't even know you could buy costumes because my mom always either made mine or we found some get up in the play clothes that transformed me into a Wealthy Old Maid (one of my favorites), a Black Cat (my last time out trick-or-treating), or Pinnochio (that costume was horrible by the way, mom; but I realize that Shelby had been born three weeks before Halloween that year so I now understand why we had no costumes until the night before).

(The Halloween Page of the Scrapbook My Mom Made for Me, Click to Enlarge)

This year I get to have even more fun and I get to dress up my son too!! I have always wanted to dress Jack as the traditional baby pumpkin that I have seen in so many of my friends' pictures. But I have started to entertain other costume possibilities when I saw this adorable skunk costume at ReadersDigest.com:

No one is more surprised than me that I am actually considering making Jack a costume (emphasis should probably be on the word considering), but I found a feather boa at The Dollar Tree and now I am actually considering it! The hard part is finding black clothes for a baby - but he could be a navy blue skunk, right? It's Halloween after all! Anyone can be anything! (There are other great ideas in the article 20 Creative Homemade Halloween Costumes check it out!)

Wordless Wednesday

2009-10-14T09:27:00.000-07:00

Brighten My Heart

2009-10-12T14:55:00.000-07:00

I have not written in some time because I have been uncertain what to say. Sometimes it is hard for me to process my own feelings. I find that what I want to feel is often different from how I am feeling. Therefore I fight my feelings, trying to convince myself that I am not feeling what I am feeling and am in fact feeling something else.

Make sense? No? Let me try to be clearer with some specifics.

Many years ago I dealt with and healed from a pretty severe case of depression. The healing happened after a significant amount of time on anti-depressants, in prayer, and in counseling. I have considered myself free of depression for four years and I do not want to go back.

Going into motherhood, I knew my risk for postpartum depression and meant to go for help if I felt depressed. But the time after Jack was born was so different from what I expected that I could not discern my own feelings. Looking back I think I may have been dealing with some depression in the first couple of months following Jack’s birth. I wonder what would have happened if I had sought help… who knows. I can’t change that. What I can chance is what is happening now.

I have so much not wanted to be depressed that I think it has made me more depressed to now admit I am again dealing with depression. (I’m really into confusing sentences today – perhaps it reflects my state of mind!)

This depression is very different from my experience so many years ago. I don’t hate myself like I did then. I’m not crying every day and night. I’m not suicidal... But I am tired. I have little motivation to get things done and often the things I do try to do become overwhelming very quickly (and they are simple things, like the laundry or filling out a form). I am also quick to snap at Jack or Tim.

It is hard admitting this. I feel ashamed as though it's my fault that I'm "back here" again.

Have no fear, I am seeking help. I am facing issues that have brought me here. I am exercising regularly (which studies have shown is as effective as an anti-depressant – crazy huh?) and getting out of the house(anybody remember that creepy short storm/film “The Yellow Wallpaper”? yeah, we don't want that). I am socializing with others – and not just online.

Most importantly I am expressing my feelings and I am bringing them to God. So often I subconsciously hide these negative things from the Lord because we’re supposed to be joyful, right? The other day at VVV (I mentioned it before, remember?) Nancy began with a simple prayer bringing our hurts, our depression, our pain before the Lord. It reminded me that it is ok. I am ok. God embraces me here and desires this vulnerability with him.

What a relief.

Sixpence None the Richer’s song Brighten My Heart has been my prayer the last week. It reflects my life right now and my desire to open my heart to the Lord who is the only true source of hope and joy in this world. I hope it ministers to you too.

Brighten My Heart

Who wants to giggle?

2009-10-08T11:05:00.000-07:00

Just sleep already!

2009-10-05T19:20:00.000-07:00

I wanted to write a nice, positive, funny post about Jack chillin in a Target shopping cart, but all I want to say is AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

After sleeping for 20 minutes, Jack woke up screaming. This is unusual so I went to him and tried to comfort him. Thinking he might be teething again, I offered baby orajel for relief. But he stuck his tongue out while I was putting it on his gums and now his tongue is numb, he can't suck properly and he keeps losing his pacifier.

Everything I have tried to get him to sleep has failed. I tried letting him cry like we did, but when he hadn't fallen asleep after 20 minutes (again, unusual), I went to him. I lay with him in our bed. Still crying. I rocked him. Still crying.

I thought he had fallen asleep just now, but he's screaming again.

AAAAAAHHHHHH!

All I want to do is relax. I want to watch Dancing with the Stars and eat cookies. Well, I want to eat cookies because he's crying.

And while trying to soothe Jack I feel horrible for not being empathetic. I feel guilty for being so frustrated and for wanting to watch tv instead of caring for my son. And I feel helpless because I don't know what to do to help Jack get to sleep.

Silence. Is he asleep now?

Jeez I hope so.

Betcha Didn't Know I Could Crochet!

2009-10-03T15:29:00.001-07:00

During the last few months of my pregnancy I had four or five ultra-sounds to measure Jack's head. The doctors were concerned that it was too big (measuring in the 90th percentile) though I kept assuring them, "All Kaihoi heads are big." Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately) I had a c-section due to low fluid levels and I was unable to show them that delivering a Kaihoi baby naturally could be done.

Also during those last months of my pregnancy I crocheted a hat for Jack. The pattern for the hat was for 6 months, so I thought surely it would fit. Apparently I underestimated the size of a "Kaihoi head" and that cute hat was way too small. I tried to make him another one right away, following the pattern for 18 months and this is what it ended up looking like:

He looked like a little Elf! (the brim is supposed to be folded up an inch or so)

This year, I decided to try again. I gave both my friend Ann and my cousin-in-law Jamie (also delivering a Kaihoi baby) hats as shower gifts.I used different yarn, added a couple of rows, and I think a different hook size. I was so nervous they would be too small and told them to let me know they fit. They both said, "I hope his head is smaller than this!" Don't we all... Thankfully, Ann's hat fit! (I haven't heard from Jamie) Here's Beck modeling it at two days old:

When the weather suddenly turned cold here in Denver a two weeks ago, we were not prepared. Encouraged by my success with Beck's hat, I decided to try again for Jack (whose head still measures at 70% while his height and weight are around 40%). Today, I finally finished a hat for Jack this winter. I modified the pattern I used above to make it.

I think it's pretty cute, don't you? Here's another because he's so cute.

Last night I was reading another mom-blog I started following. Beverly from A Baby? Maybe... was showing off some super cute patterns she found on Etsy. Inspired, I started looking on Etsy.com and ended up finding some cute booties I want to make to go with Jack's hat. What do you think? Which pattern(s) should I buy?

I was thinking these basic booties by Mamachee could be a nice way to ease into a new style:

Or maybe some Australian Uggs by crochetroo:

These loafers by sylver made my heart melt:

If I could knit I would have made Jack these booties when he was younger:

And I'm tempted to try making this doggie for him!

I could show you tons more projects I found, but you'll have to go to Etsy.com and check them out yourself. There are a lot of projects that can be purchased already made, you don't have to know how to crochet or knit to have cute handmade clothing! I think many of the sellers are moms - who else would spend so much time with baby clothes?

R&R... what's that again?

2009-09-30T19:01:00.000-07:00

On Monday I bought a home pregnancy test.

No, I’m not pregnant, but the way I have been feeling the last week or so made me wonder. I have had an insatiable appetite, been nauseous, had cramps, and was light-headed. The way my body was acting, I thought something must have gone wrong with my birth-control and I prepared myself for the little pink line on the pregnancy test.

Negative.

Whew!

I don’t know what is wrong with my body exactly, but today I felt I may have gotten a clue. My mentor Nancy leads a ministry called Vine, Vision & Voice and I finally get to participate in it. At the end of the first session this afternoon, Nancy asked us to go outside, observe the world around us and reflect for five minutes on five qualities of the soul.

So I went outside, wandered towards a stretch of grass and lay down. I looked at our list of qualities and tried to focus on them, but all I could think over and over was, “I’m tired. I’m so tired. Oh God, I’m tired.” When the sun came out from behind the clouds I closed my eyes and those five minutes turned into an unexpected gift of rest.

We don’t rest much in our culture. As moms, it is even more difficult to find time for ourselves to rest. With load after load of laundry and dishes, with diaper after diaper and feeding after feeding, we run ragged caring for our children, husbands, home, perhaps our jobs… and we never rest.

Did you know the word “rest” appears 496 times in the Bible?! 496! That’s huge! And even huger is the fact that the first time the verb is used, God is the subject. Genesis 2:2 says, “By the seventh day God had finished the work he had been doing; so on the seventh day he rested from all his work.” God rested. Think about that, the Master of the Universe rested. Not only that, in the Ten Commandments he commands us all to rest on the Sabbath day. And that day is to be considered holy. Maybe rest is important…

Tonight, I am going to listen to my body - more importantly follow God's example - and rest. I am going to sit down with a mug of skim milk, a plate of Oreos and my copy of Pride and Prejudice and begin my semi-annual reading of my favorite book. Then, I am going to get some much needed sleep.

Do you take time to rest? What are your favorite ways to give yourself some R&R?

Wordless Wednesday!

2009-09-30T08:52:00.001-07:00

(Can you see his tooth?)

Thoughts on the Last Post

2009-09-28T09:37:00.000-07:00

The responses to my last post made me think a lot about what I experienced nine or ten months ago. The truth is I actually wrote the majority of that post last March or April. I wrote it when I was much closer to the drama than I am now. I wrote it when I was struggling to reconnect with God after feeling so far away from him for so long.

But your comments about hormones and depression made me start to wonder. What was going on with me emotionally? I know one thing, I regret that I could not enjoy Jack during those first months of his life. I blame it all on the troubles we had with breastfeeding - which was huge, I've only mentioned it a gazillion times on here - and I feel like I need to mourn the loss of what I felt the first weeks should I have been like. But am I really any different from the average mom postpartum?

Does anyone know the difference between hormonal baby blues and all out postpartum depression? It seems most moms I know struggle the first couple of months or more, but only 10% are diagnosed as depressed (or so I've read). Does anyone know why?

I have another post in the works on "survival mode" and I would love to hear what your experiences were like those first few weeks or months of your baby's (or babies') life. Did you enjoy your baby? Did you just "get by"? What went on with you?

An Invitation

2009-09-25T20:29:00.000-07:00

The hours and days following the birth of my son, Jack, are a haze to me. I don’t remember anything besides working hard to get him to latch on to my breast every two to three hours which consisted of his crying, followed by my crying, and eventually a successful feed. I was functioning off of less than a couple of hours of sleep at a time and without the help of my husband and mom I think I would have lost it.

My main objective: Survival.

I found I struggled relating to people. My relationship with my husband Tim was awkward. Even a simple kiss, which was once the most natural thing in the world, felt strange to me. I snapped at my mom and the other family members who came to help. And my son was a stranger to me who I apparently tortured each feeding. I didn’t bond with Jack until he was nearly two months old.

My relationship with God? Nonexistent.

I found that the stuff I normally talked to God about suddenly didn’t relate to my life with a baby. God didn’t offer much input on breastfeeding or on if a circumcision was healing. He didn’t tell me why Jack’s poop suddenly turned green or how to make it yellow again. And I was just too tired to try to think about anything else.

Eventually things got better. Tim and I reconnected. I fell in love with my son. And instead of being annoyed with them I longed to live closer to the rest of my family. But God still did not seem relevant, so I didn’t seek Him.

My “bible” became all of the different breastfeeding and baby sleep books I could get my hands on. I was obsessed with caring for Jack. It was all I could think or talk about. Because leaving the house was a hassle and I was often very tired, I didn’t go to church more than a couple of times the first two months.

My god was no longer My God, but my baby. A person I obsessed over and loved more than I ever imagined possible. Someone I would die for in a second.

I haven’t worshipped God like that in a long time.

Months ago, God gave me the desire to write reflections or devotions for new moms in order to encourage them during the first months/year of motherhood which has been the hardest transition in my own life. I want The Toothless Grin to be a place where we not only laugh about the ridiculous and lament the struggles, but a place where we can explore who God is and what He wants to communicate to us, the mommies of the world. So from here on out it is my goal to post something each week (as I am able) exploring a mother’s relationship with her God.

I am excited and nervous to start off in this new direction and I hope you accompany me on this journey. Please, let me know what works and what doesn’t. Tell me when you agree and when you think I’m off my rocker! I need all of your feedback to know if I’m on track. This is for you moms after all. My experience is just one of many so I need your help.

I hope to hear from you!

~Leah

Wordless Wednesday

2009-09-24T06:44:00.000-07:00

I have noticed something on other mom blogs called Wordless Wednesdays and I want to join in the fun. Although today is actually Thursday and this is not wordless, consider this the first post! Enjoy! :)

Expecting the Unexpected

2009-09-17T19:43:00.000-07:00

If you start counting Jack gets excited. By the time you say the number two there’s a huge smile on his face and he is more than ready to erupt in giggles when he is tossed in the air, spun in a circle, or tickled. The anticipation is half the fun for him. And us.

I wish someone would give me a countdown whenever something unexpected is about to happen. I guess then it wouldn’t be unexpected, but I really don’t deal with surprises well. And this week has been kind-of full of them.

Monday, Tim was two hours late from class because his motorcycle ran out of gas – unexpected for him and me.

Tuesday… well I can’t think of anything Tuesday.

Wednesday we decided to visit my friend Ann in the hospital and her brand new baby Beck. That was a fun unexpected thing.

We got home Wednesday night to find our downstairs toilet was bubbling and overflowing while the washing machine ran. Today I woke up to find the toilet water had receded, but left behind a film of sewage in the toilet bowl. The bathroom reeked and I called our manager demanding immediate assistance as I watched the water begin to rise again before my eyes. “Don’t overflow!!”

Plumber shows up and unexpectedly runs a very loud machine for an hour in order to unclog the toilet, causing a strange smell to permeate the apartment and Jack to wake up from his nap.

Plumber leaves behind a fully functioning toilet, but the nastiest mess in our bathroom and kitchen that I spent an hour cleaning. Actually, I want to clean it again tomorrow. It was that bad.

I didn’t get the things done today I wanted to.

I’m beginning to think this is the norm. Am I right?

Overworked Mommy Needs Advice

2009-09-13T16:18:00.000-07:00

Tim starts school tomorrow… and he’s excited about it.

If you know Tim, you know that this is a big deal. I’m excited for him to learn about cars, to become a mechanic and earn us some big bucks (well, potentially). What I’m concerned about is what’s going to happen to me in the next 18 months.

I feel incredible selfish saying that. I feel as though I should be excited for Tim no matter what the cost may be to myself. But there’s going to be a cost and that scares me.

The hope has been that by the time Tim started school I would have a job. That way Tim would not need to work full time. At this point no such job has come along. Tim will therefore be working 40 hours a week and going to school 25. He will be gone at least 70 hours a week with little breaks here and there. I know he is concerned about not having any free time. So am I.

Since Jack was born there have been numerous times when I have been ready to throw in the towel at the end of Tim’s work week. I remember one time when I was so fed up with caring for Jack's needs I began sobbing while I was breastfeeding him. Jack looked at me with so much concern... it was really sweet, but I was done. Thankfully, Tim came home and I took a nap. I think I have gotten better at making priorities and taking care of myself, but Tim has always been there to relieve me. Now he won’t be there as often and that makes me nervous.

I know I’m not the first person to face a situation like this one. I’m wondering what others have done to care for themselves in the midst of chaos. I just can’t keep up the pace I’ve been going at for the last couple of days (on Friday I realized I had been “working” from 7am until at least 6 or 6:30pm). Does anyone have any advice?

"I love you more"

2009-09-08T18:58:00.000-07:00

This is a devotional I wrote for my cousin-in-law Jamie's baby shower last week.

* * *

After Jack was born and I was struggling to figure out breastfeeding, a question from Isaiah kept coming to my mind. “Can a woman forget the baby at her breast?” At the time, I felt this verse could only be about one thing: engorgement. A book my mom gave me described engorgement this way: “Your chest is the Hoover Dam and Lake Mead is pushing so hard, the dam is going to collapse in about two seconds.” I think it feels like overinflated tires. If anymore air (or milk) goes in there they will explode.

My answer to this question: “No, I can’t forget Jack – my boobs won’t let me!”

But after about 6 or 7 weeks, I finally bonded with Jack. I began to experience a love that was deeper than I could ever have imagine. I ached for Jack. There have been times when I have risked waking him up because I had to hold him that minute. This love changed everything about the way I viewed my life. And it changed how I viewed this verse. Now my answer to the question, “Can you forget your baby?” is:

“No, I can’t forget Jack, because I love him.”

And that’s when the entire verse began to take on greater meaning. In it the Lords says this: "Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you!” (Isaiah 49:15 NIV)

You see, the people of Israel in Isaiah’s time were facing the threat of Assyria from the North. This was a pretty big deal since they found their identity in the land which God promised them in His covenant with Abraham. The land was (and is) pivotal to their existence as a people. Losing the land prompted them to question God’s promises and the covenant He had with His people. In their minds, God had forgotten them because they lost the Promised Land. Their hope as the people of God.

We all have experienced disappointment with God in one way or another. We have all experienced times when we can’t feel his presence or don’t understand what is happening in our lives. So we can all relate to Israel who says in verse 14, “The Lord has forsaken me, the Lord has forgotten me.”

But in Isaiah 49 and specifically in verse 15, God says, “No, I would not forget you. I love you more than a mother aches for her child. I love you deeper. If she were to forget and turn away from this child she loves, I still will not. I have not forgotten you! And one day I will restore this land to you. Do you see how much this mother loves her child? I love you more.”

Motherhood is more than the perfect chocolate chip cookie or heart shaped peanut butter and jelly sandwich. It is more than the different philosophies on parenting. As displayed in Isaiah 50:15, motherhood is one of the many ways God teaches us about Himself and draws us to Him. Through our relationship with our children and the love we have for them, God shows us His love.

It is my prayer, Jamie, that through each event of your life with your baby, you will be sensitive to God’s voice and His words for you. When you are up for a 3am feeding, when you are changing diapers, when you are exhausted and hungry and feel you don’t have anything left to give, and when you delight in your babies giggles, remember that God says to you, “I love you more.”

* * *

I hope this is a message that resonates with you. I'd love to hear how God has used your relationship with your babies to tell you He loves you! Please share!

No Escape

2009-08-31T14:18:00.000-07:00

Jack peed on me! Three times!!

That's right, I just told on him.

I have to say, one of the times he peed on me I couldn't do anything about it. I was trying to get him into his bath and he would not sit down. Straight as a board, Jack peed directly on my stomach. I couldn't let go of him or move away, so I did what any self-sacrificial parent would do. I let him.

Give that mom a Klondike bar!

Jack lounging in his "tub"

Realistic Beauty

2009-08-24T21:53:00.000-07:00

Though I try to be grateful that my weigh continues to drop (at least I think it is, I don't have a scale to actually confirm this), I can't help but be frustrated over the fact that I do not know how to dress my postpartum body.

Beginning with the top, my arms are a little flabbier (though Jack weighs a gazillion pounds), my breasts are bigger, I have a little pooch for a stomach, my hips... well, they seem to be slowly shrinking, my legs will not remain hairless, and my feet are still a size 9.5 (well, they were always that size, still way too big for me).

Fortunately I came across this article which promises to answer all of my problems! Their advice?

Accentuate the positive!

Show off that awe-inspiring post-partum rack. A bull’s-eye print works well on sweaters, and in warmer months, pasties are sure to draw the attention just where you want them. How about some tassels? Get creative!

Your forearms are probably still delicate and lovely, no? Wear elbow-length sleeves, oil up your exposed arm-parts, slap on a little glitter, and wave them around gracefully. Strangers will be so impressed, they won’t notice, you know, the rest of you!

Are you an all-over mess? Aw. We bet you still have nice eyes! Play them up with false eyelashes and liquid eyeliner, slip on a burka, and you’re good to go!

Hide the negative!

There are countless ways you can confuse, dazzle, or blind anyone who comes near you. Here are only a few.

Mirrors

Sandwich boards

Multiple flotation rings

Layers upon layers of tulle

Christmas tree lights wrapped around torso

Black duct tape

Feathers!

Beaded curtain hanging from neck

Giant fanny pack filled with puppies

An enormous bustle to even out proportions

Mascot costume

You’re an astronaut!

(Seriously Corrie, thanks for posting this site on FB)

On a more serious note, Glamour magazine seems to be drawing quite a bit of praise for publishing a nearly nude picture of a plus size model in their September issue. On the Today show this morning, the editor in chief nearly promised Matt Lauer that we can see more of this realistic beauty in the future.

The model has this to say about the response:
"When I read [the letters] I got teary-eyed!" she says. "I've been that girl, flipping through magazines trying to find just one person who looked a little bit like me. And when I didn't find it I would start to think there's something wrong with the way that I looked. When J. Lo and Beyoncé came out and were making curves sexy, I started to accept myself more. It's funny, but just seeing them look and feel sexy enabled me to do the same."

Maybe someday we can all have a realistic expectation of what we should look like and an appreciation of our beauty. Especially postpartum.

Highs & Lows

2009-08-23T22:15:00.000-07:00

Low: Jack woke me up at 6:30 this morning. 6:30!! Way too early.

High: Jack snuggled with me on the couch tonight, leaning his face into mine. I love this kid.

One Lonely Mommy

2009-08-22T13:22:00.000-07:00

Loneliness is something most moms deal with. To quote Carla Barnhill who wrote The Myth of the Perfect Mother,"Our friendships with other women are often the first thing we sacrifice when we have children, simply because we know they'll understand." (92) Ouch. I find that to be a harsh reality.

My friend Kelly and I were pregnant together. We went on walks together at least once a week during our pregnancies and often talked about pushing strollers together soon. But when Amaya was born and then Jack, those walks just haven't happened as we both thought. We admit that those first few months of motherhood we were just trying to survive so we were unable to reach out to one another. Since our babies' births, I think we have gone on two walks. Two. Ouch.

But it's not only other moms who I have lost touch with. I feel I haven't seen my other girlfriends as much either. I know they're busy - we all are, - but I am beginning to think moms aren't the only lonely ones. We all seem to have difficulty finding time for one another. Or maybe I am the only one feeling this way.

Tim is going on a camping trip for three days with work. I don't think I really realized he was leaving until 45 minutes ago. I'm lonely and I don't know what to do with myself until Tuesday.

I used to find this demotivational poster from despair.com funny. Now I'm not so sure.

We Love WIC!

2009-08-19T21:31:00.000-07:00

Today was our tri-monthly WIC appointment. For those of you who don’t know, WIC stands for Women Infants and Children. It is a federal program run by the USDA Food & Nutrition Service which provides “supplemental foods, health care referrals, and nutrition education for low-income pregnant, breastfeeding, and non-breastfeeding postpartum women, and to infants and children up to age five who are found to be at nutritional risk.”[1]

In a word, it’s a blessing.

Since January, we have received checks which have purchased us 6 gallons of milk, 2 dozen eggs, 2 boxes of baby cereal, way more cheese than we could ever eat, carrots, cereal, tuna, and beans every single month. And today I was shocked to discover that Jack and I would receive even more food through WIC. On top of the food I already received, I’ll be able to purchase $10 of produce and 16 oz of whole wheat bread. Jack on the other hand now receives 60 jars of fruits and vegetables and 31 jars of meat!! Every single month! Wow!

Money is really tight right now and I have been making my own baby food in order to save money. But honestly, there is not much a difference between my food and Gerber’s and it is a heck of a lot easier to open a jar than to take the time to cook, puree and freeze a variety of fruits and vegetables. So when Sue, our WIC lady, showed me our new package I felt as though someone gave me a precious gift. I am so relieved to know Jack will be well fed.

This is so great for Jack. While he hasn’t complained about having the same five fruits and veggies until I make another, I am excited for the variety of foods he will now be able to experience. Plus, I was not looking forward to pureeing chicken and beef. Gross.

So, whoever took the initiative to form WIC, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for remembering the mothers who want to eat healthy and feed their children well, but often can’t afford the food. Thank you for standing up for us and taking care of us. Today you blessed me and my baby Jack.

Thank you.

(p.s. According to the WIC scale Jack now weighs 18lbs 8.5oz. No wonder my back is breaking!)

[1] http://www.fns.usda.gov/wic/

The Myth of the Perfect Mother

2009-08-18T14:19:00.000-07:00

I am reading a book right now and I am so excited about it I want to share it with you all. It is called “The Myth of the Perfect Mother” by Carla Barnhill. When I started reading this book, I couldn’t believe that it is no longer in print! I had to buy a used copy through Amazon.com. However, as I continue to read I can see why many people may be offended by what Carla writes; though I believe most of what she writes is so true.

I haven’t finished the book yet. Maybe when I do I’ll write an actual review of it. But I want to tell you this book has brought up some issues that I’ve wrestled with in my heart. It also affirms me as a woman, it comforts me as a mother, and it excites me as a minister.

* * *

Denver Seminary is a fairly conservative school. Sure there are pockets of “liberal” theology (emphasis on social ethics, profs who voted for Obama, etc.), but when it comes to women there are a few things that can be noted. First, in the MDiv program that I graduated from, women account for maybe 10% of the population. In some classes it is less. Second, based on my experience it is clear that most men at the school question whether women can serve in ministry in certain capacities. They are also uncomfortable relating to women socially. Third, some male students have no problem telling female students that they basically believe women should not be studying in the MDiv track. And they’re sly about it too. They don’t say “you shouldn’t” they say, “I don’t think women should preach…”

Carla affirms that women are gifted in ways other than being a mother or wife. Motherhood is a stage of life that ends at one point or another. Some women are gifted uniquely to be awesome “professional” mothers for their children. Others are not. For that matter, some women are physically unable to have children or are single and will never have children.. What is most important in God's eyes is the advancement of the gospel; the rearing of children is secondary. That makes me push on and pursue the ministry God is calling me to, as a woman.

* * *

As a mother, I question going to work and leaving my son in child care. Part of this is because I love him more than I thought possible. Part of this is because my mom was home with me and my sisters. And part of this is because of one of those conversations I had with a male classmate. It went something like this:

Me: I think I will have a hard time being home all the time.

Him: Women who say that are selfish.

So, though I don’t respect this man’s opinion and I feel bad for his wife who has nearly ten children and he wants more, I have this little voice in my head saying You’re selfish.

I relate to this paragraph Carla wrote:

I love being a mom and I’m thrilled God has given me the privilege of raising these two great kids. However, I don’t think he’s created me to be a ‘professional’ mom. I love being with my kids, watching them grow, helping them learn. But I find so much more satisfaction and fulfillment when I edit a manuscript than when I build a Lego house or dress (and redress) Barbie for her eighty-seventh wedding. This has little to do with my role as a mom, but more to do with the gifts and talents God has given to me personally.[1]

I have always hated babysitting. I get bored playing with kids. I love studying, writing, and teaching. While I am in awe of Jack and love spending time with him, I also love his nap time when I can read and write little “articles” like this. I hope to be able to work outside of the home doing the things I have been specially gifted to do sometime soon.

* * *

Finally, Carla calls out where the church has failed women and mothers. She discusses how most ministries for women assume they are married with children. She points out how mom’s groups and Bible studies occur during the day when working mothers cannot attend. She states that the church needs to be supporting women in their struggle to be the best moms and servants of God that they can be rather than pointing out where they need to improve. Carla writes, “Imagine if churches treated women as Christians rather than as mothers…” (That line sends a chill down my spine!)

Maybe the moms of the church will want to get together for mutual support and encouragement, but maybe they’d rather hang out with older women who can mentor them as Christians or with childless women who share a passion for music and art. The idea is for churches to open their understanding of “women’s ministry” to center on a women’s multifaceted spirituality rather than on her stage of life.[2]

My response is “Yes. Yes. YES!” Honestly, I have avoided mom’s groups because while I am a mom I do not primarily identify myself that way. At times I get tired of talking about sleeping, nursing, and teething. I don’t want every milestone in Jack’s life to be everything in my life. I am more refreshed when I meet with my friends who are not yet mothers than I do when I’m with other moms.

At the same time I feel God has called me to minister to other moms, especially new moms. I think becoming a mom is one of the most difficult transitions a woman can face in her life. It is vital that she is encouraged and heard at this time.

I appreciate Carla pointing out where the church has failed because as a minister I deeply desire to meet the needs of the women and mothers in my congregation. I have a feeling that one reason why her book is out of print is the way Carla repeatedly calls out the church’s failings. Her prophetic voice stirs the waters and no doubt makes people uncomfortable. It even makes me uncomfortable!

And yet, I appreciate it. Thank you for your book Carla.

[1] Carla Barnhill, The Myth of the Perfect Mother (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books, 2004), 126.

[2] Ibid., 35-36.

Square Peg, Meet Round Hole

2009-08-14T21:38:00.000-07:00

Have you ever felt like you were doing a job that didn't quite fit you and instead of thriving you find yourself tired at the end of each day? While I love being a mom and spending my time taking care of Jack, I hate the housework that comes along with being stay at home mom. I shouldn't say I hate it. I struggle with it. It is hard for me. That feels foolish and silly to say, but some housework exhausts me.

I thrive in the abstract world of ideas and relationships. I am passionate about reading, writing, brainstorming, and dreaming. I love deep relationships and mentoring others. I crochet and bake, but that's about all I like to do with my hands. And yet, here I am, surrounded by a concrete world of diapers, cooking, and cleaning.

While I know most people don't necessarily enjoy housework, I often am drained after one or two chores. The very thought of trying to organize our junk at times gives me miniature anxiety attacks. As a result, the buildup of housework leaves me feeling stressed out, inadequate and depressed. What makes me feel worse is hearing my neighbor vacuum her apartment up to three times a week! (yes, our walls are that thin)

I am learning to make it work though. I like having a clean house, so I have been motivated to figure out a system in which I can get some chores done without wearing myself out and with ample time to spend doing the reading and writing I love. After several months I think I finally have a solution. Every day, before Jack's morning nap, I spend just ten minutes doing simple chores. That way, once Jack is asleep, I can get straight to the things I want to do rather than putzing with the stuff I have to do.

This may not seem like a big deal to you, but for me it has been life changing! I have finally figured out a way to work with my weaknesses in order to let my strengths shine! It’s not perfect (for example, today I put our sheets in the wash and completely forgot about them. Now it is nearly 9:00pm and I am waiting for them to dry so we can sleep in our bed), but I feel so much more joy in life.

Oh! Remember my domestic disaster last week with the soufflé? Check out the omelet I made myself for dinner last night.

Go ahead. Drool.

"I Am Changing" (imagine Jennifer Hudson in Dreamgirls)

2009-08-08T20:13:00.001-07:00

I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed by all of the changes I have seen in Jack this past week. They may not seem like much to most people, but I feel as though my baby is disappearing and growing up too fast!

I never thought I would say that. In the first couple of months of his life I was longing for when he could feed himself, entertain himself, and transport himself. Now I want him to stay as cute as he is forever!

No growing up Jack. It’s not allowed!

What are these drastic changes I’m so worked up about? Here they are – in no particular order.

1 – He can sit up (which is super cute)

2 – He can roll over (do these two sound familiar? I wrote about them before)

3 – Jack is officially teething. I can see the bumps under his gums. Soon his toothless grin will have teeth! This one actually has me the most misty-eyed. I named my blog “The Toothless Grin” for a reason. It’s one of my favorite things about my baby and soon it’ll be gone.

4 – He plays. Jack has always been fine if I left him alone with a toy to chew on, but he actually looked like he was intentionally “playing catch” with his ball the other day. I already posted a video… I couldn’t stop watching him. It was fascinating to see him so focused and moving the ball where he wanted to!

5 – He can feed himself cheerios. Well… sort-of. They often get stuck to the palm of his hand and he can’t find them after that. But he has gotten a few in his mouth on his own.

6 – Jack bounces. This isn’t typically mentioned in developmental books and charts, but it seems like a big deal to me! When he’s in his bouncy seat he bounces! When he’s lying on his back, when he sits on our laps, when I’m feeding him… he bounces! He even did it as he was falling asleep last night. Crazy kid.

7 – He lunges after things that he wants and he gets them. Such as his hair brush on the changing table. It rests on the ledge behind him and Jack lunges backwards to reach the brush. It’s amusing and is a sign that soon he’s going to be getting into everything. Lunging combined with bouncing also makes putting on a diaper rather difficult.

So that’s what’s happening. Most of these things are new in the last 10 days. I find myself wanting my camera by my side constantly in order to document every change. These changes have also inspired us to make our home more child friendly. So, if you’re invited over, be prepared to climb over gates, use our cheap dishes, and see toys everywhere!