One Year

I finally have a moment to sit down and write! Yay for delayed appointments!

Friday was Jack’s birthday. I can’t believe my little boy is one! And in other ways I feel like the past year was at least two years’ time. Seriously, I felt like the first three months were never going to end. But they did and the next nine months were times of giggles and exploration. It is such a joy for me to see Jack experience something new for the first time. He recently rediscovered his toes and sucks on them while I’m changing his diaper. Why? I don’t know. But it is adorable. And tonight he had a ball figuring out how to roll around the room.

I was watching Ellen last week and Minnie Driver was on. Minnie glowed as she talked about her 15 month old son Henry and shared a video of him making animal sounds (it was adorable by the way – something else to look forward to with Jack!). Minnie – why do I feel like I’m talking about Minnie Mouse? – said that she never knew she could love this much. She said “Every day you think you can’t love them anymore and you do. It’s extraordinary you find that you have an ever expanding heart which is a magical thing to discover.” I can totally relate.

At this time I can't help but be reflective. I remember a little over a year ago, when I was still very very pregnant, pulling out my Christmas music and listening to Amy Grant’s “Breath of Heaven.” While I always loved the mysterious, beautiful melody, the words took on new meaning to me as I was “weary with a babe inside.” Mary’s prayer became very personal to me as I also prayed:

I am waiting in a silent prayer
I am frightened by the load I bear
In a world as cold as stone

Must I walk this path alone
Be with me now
Be with me now

Breath of Heaven
Hold me together
Be forever near me
Breath of Heaven
Breath of Heaven
Lighten my darkness
Pour over me, your holyness
For your holy Breath of Heaven

Today my prayer remains the same. I am utterly dependent on my Father to be with me now. To lighten my darkness. To guide me in this cold world that is such a fallen state of its original Eden. I need Him to comfort me as a mother. I need Him to guide me in raising my son. I need to know that He is always there.

If I can say anything about this past year it is that God has been faithful to me. He has revealed to me that He was there when I didn’t feel Him. He has taught me about the depth of His love for me through my love for my son. He has held me when I cried. He has led me to healing from the agony of depression. But most of all, He has loved me.

I hope someday Jack also knows that love.

We had a few friends over to celebrate Jack’s birthday. He enjoyed his first taste of sugar with his birthday cake, reunited with his old friend Amaya, grinned at his new friend Beck and loved his gifts! Enjoy these snapshots and videos!