If you start counting Jack gets excited. By the time you say the number two there’s a huge smile on his face and he is more than ready to erupt in giggles when he is tossed in the air, spun in a circle, or tickled. The anticipation is half the fun for him. And us.
I wish someone would give me a countdown whenever something unexpected is about to happen. I guess then it wouldn’t be unexpected, but I really don’t deal with surprises well. And this week has been kind-of full of them.
Monday, Tim was two hours late from class because his motorcycle ran out of gas – unexpected for him and me.
Tuesday… well I can’t think of anything Tuesday.
Wednesday we decided to visit my friend Ann in the hospital and her brand new baby Beck. That was a fun unexpected thing.
We got home Wednesday night to find our downstairs toilet was bubbling and overflowing while the washing machine ran. Today I woke up to find the toilet water had receded, but left behind a film of sewage in the toilet bowl. The bathroom reeked and I called our manager demanding immediate assistance as I watched the water begin to rise again before my eyes. “Don’t overflow!!”
Plumber shows up and unexpectedly runs a very loud machine for an hour in order to unclog the toilet, causing a strange smell to permeate the apartment and Jack to wake up from his nap.
Plumber leaves behind a fully functioning toilet, but the nastiest mess in our bathroom and kitchen that I spent an hour cleaning. Actually, I want to clean it again tomorrow. It was that bad.
I didn’t get the things done today I wanted to.
I’m beginning to think this is the norm. Am I right?
This is a devotional I wrote for my cousin-in-law Jamie's baby shower last week.
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After Jack was born and I was struggling to figure out breastfeeding, a question from Isaiah kept coming to my mind. “Can a woman forget the baby at her breast?” At the time, I felt this verse could only be about one thing: engorgement. A book my mom gave me described engorgement this way: “Your chest is the Hoover Dam and Lake Mead is pushing so hard, the dam is going to collapse in about two seconds.” I think it feels like overinflated tires. If anymore air (or milk) goes in there they will explode.
My answer to this question: “No, I can’t forget Jack – my boobs won’t let me!”
But after about 6 or 7 weeks, I finally bonded with Jack. I began to experience a love that was deeper than I could ever have imagine. I ached for Jack. There have been times when I have risked waking him up because I had to hold him that minute. This love changed everything about the way I viewed my life. And it changed how I viewed this verse. Now my answer to the question, “Can you forget your baby?” is:
“No, I can’t forget Jack, because I love him.”
And that’s when the entire verse began to take on greater meaning. In it the Lords says this: "Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you!” (Isaiah 49:15 NIV)
You see, the people of Israel in Isaiah’s time were facing the threat of Assyria from the North. This was a pretty big deal since they found their identity in the land which God promised them in His covenant with Abraham. The land was (and is) pivotal to their existence as a people. Losing the land prompted them to question God’s promises and the covenant He had with His people. In their minds, God had forgotten them because they lost the Promised Land. Their hope as the people of God.
We all have experienced disappointment with God in one way or another. We have all experienced times when we can’t feel his presence or don’t understand what is happening in our lives. So we can all relate to Israel who says in verse 14, “The Lord has forsaken me, the Lord has forgotten me.”
But in Isaiah 49 and specifically in verse 15, God says, “No, I would not forget you. I love you more than a mother aches for her child. I love you deeper. If she were to forget and turn away from this child she loves, I still will not. I have not forgotten you! And one day I will restore this land to you. Do you see how much this mother loves her child? I love you more.”
Motherhood is more than the perfect chocolate chip cookie or heart shaped peanut butter and jelly sandwich. It is more than the different philosophies on parenting.As displayed in Isaiah 50:15, motherhood is one of the many ways God teaches us about Himself and draws us to Him. Through our relationship with our children and the love we have for them, God shows us His love.
It is my prayer, Jamie, that through each event of your life with your baby, you will be sensitive to God’s voice and His words for you. When you are up for a 3am feeding, when you are changing diapers, when you are exhausted and hungry and feel you don’t have anything left to give, and when you delight in your babies giggles, remember that God says to you, “I love you more.”
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I hope this is a message that resonates with you. I'd love to hear how God has used your relationship with your babies to tell you He loves you! Please share!
I have to say, one of the times he peed on me I couldn't do anything about it. I was trying to get him into his bath and he would not sit down. Straight as a board, Jack peed directly on my stomach. I couldn't let go of him or move away, so I did what any self-sacrificial parent would do. I let him.
Loneliness is something most moms deal with. To quote Carla Barnhill who wrote The Myth of the Perfect Mother,"Our friendships with other women are often the first thing we sacrifice when we have children, simply because we know they'll understand." (92) Ouch. I find that to be a harsh reality.
My friend Kelly and I were pregnant together. We went on walks together at least once a week during our pregnancies and often talked about pushing strollers together soon. But when Amaya was born and then Jack, those walks just haven't happened as we both thought. We admit that those first few months of motherhood we were just trying to survive so we were unable to reach out to one another. Since our babies' births, I think we have gone on two walks. Two. Ouch.
But it's not only other moms who I have lost touch with. I feel I haven't seen my other girlfriends as much either. I know they're busy - we all are, - but I am beginning to think moms aren't the only lonely ones. We all seem to have difficulty finding time for one another. Or maybe I am the only one feeling this way.
Tim is going on a camping trip for three days with work. I don't think I really realized he was leaving until 45 minutes ago. I'm lonely and I don't know what to do with myself until Tuesday.
I used to find this demotivational poster from despair.com funny. Now I'm not so sure.
I am reading a book right now and I am so excited about it I want to share it with you all. It is called “The Myth of the Perfect Mother” by Carla Barnhill. When I started reading this book, I couldn’t believe that it is no longer in print! I had to buy a used copy through Amazon.com. However, as I continue to read I can see why many people may be offended by what Carla writes; though I believe most of what she writes is so true.
I haven’t finished the book yet. Maybe when I do I’ll write an actual review of it. But I want to tell you this book has brought up some issues that I’ve wrestled with in my heart. It also affirms me as a woman, it comforts me as a mother, and it excites me as a minister.
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Denver Seminary is a fairly conservative school. Sure there are pockets of “liberal” theology (emphasis on social ethics, profs who voted for Obama, etc.), but when it comes to women there are a few things that can be noted. First, in the MDiv program that I graduated from, women account for maybe 10% of the population. In some classes it is less. Second, based on my experience it is clear that most men at the school question whether women can serve in ministry in certain capacities. They are also uncomfortable relating to women socially. Third, some male students have no problem telling female students that they basically believe women should not be studying in the MDiv track. And they’re sly about it too. They don’t say “you shouldn’t” they say, “I don’t think women should preach…”
Carla affirms that women are gifted in ways other than being a mother or wife. Motherhood is a stage of life that ends at one point or another. Some women are gifted uniquely to be awesome “professional” mothers for their children. Others are not. For that matter, some women are physically unable to have children or are single and will never have children.. What is most important in God's eyes is the advancement of the gospel; the rearing of children is secondary. That makes me push on and pursue the ministry God is calling me to, as a woman.
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As a mother, I question going to work and leaving my son in child care. Part of this is because I love him more than I thought possible. Part of this is because my mom was home with me and my sisters. And part of this is because of one of those conversations I had with a male classmate. It went something like this:
Me: I think I will have a hard time being home all the time.
Him: Women who say that are selfish.
So, though I don’t respect this man’s opinion and I feel bad for his wife who has nearly ten children and he wants more, I have this little voice in my head saying You’re selfish.
I relate to this paragraph Carla wrote:
I love being a mom and I’m thrilled God has given me the privilege of raising these two great kids. However, I don’t think he’s created me to be a ‘professional’ mom. I love being with my kids, watching them grow, helping them learn. But I find so much more satisfaction and fulfillment when I edit a manuscript than when I build a Lego house or dress (and redress) Barbie for her eighty-seventh wedding. This has little to do with my role as a mom, but more to do with the gifts and talents God has given to me personally.[1]
I have always hated babysitting. I get bored playing with kids. I love studying, writing, and teaching. While I am in awe of Jack and love spending time with him, I also love his nap time when I can read and write little “articles” like this. I hope to be able to work outside of the home doing the things I have been specially gifted to do sometime soon.
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Finally, Carla calls out where the church has failed women and mothers. She discusses how most ministries for women assume they are married with children. She points out how mom’s groups and Bible studies occur during the day when working mothers cannot attend. She states that the church needs to be supporting women in their struggle to be the best moms and servants of God that they can be rather than pointing out where they need to improve. Carla writes, “Imagine if churches treated women as Christians rather than as mothers…” (That line sends a chill down my spine!)
Maybe the moms of the church will want to get together for mutual support and encouragement, but maybe they’d rather hang out with older women who can mentor them as Christians or with childless women who share a passion for music and art. The idea is for churches to open their understanding of “women’s ministry” to center on a women’s multifaceted spirituality rather than on her stage of life.[2]
My response is “Yes. Yes. YES!” Honestly, I have avoided mom’s groups because while I am a mom I do not primarily identify myself that way. At times I get tired of talking about sleeping, nursing, and teething. I don’t want every milestone in Jack’s life to be everything in my life. I am more refreshed when I meet with my friends who are not yet mothers than I do when I’m with other moms.
At the same time I feel God has called me to minister to other moms, especially new moms. I think becoming a mom is one of the most difficult transitions a woman can face in her life. It is vital that she is encouraged and heard at this time.
I appreciate Carla pointing out where the church has failed because as a minister I deeply desire to meet the needs of the women and mothers in my congregation. I have a feeling that one reason why her book is out of print is the way Carla repeatedly calls out the church’s failings. Her prophetic voice stirs the waters and no doubt makes people uncomfortable. It even makes me uncomfortable!
And yet, I appreciate it. Thank you for your book Carla.
[1] Carla Barnhill, The Myth of the Perfect Mother (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books, 2004), 126.
The other day my sister called from Minnesota and told me I needed to watch Oprah. It was about the difficulties of motherhood she said. I could hear my mom yelling in the background that it would be encouraging, so I tuned in and saw women expressing many of the things I have been feeling but have felt too timid to say.
Being a mom is hard!! No, not just hard, it can be miserable at times.
The guests on the show had interviewed many mothers, and all of the moms said they weren’t sure if they were happy. Also, they all thought they were the only ones who were feeling that way. We don’t share this with one another because being a mom is supposed to be joyful and fulfilling.Not being happy as a mom is something to be ashamed of.If I am not happy as a mom there is something deeply wrong with me.
This is definitely what I have been experiencing for the last four months. And I feel ashamed to admit that. I have felt timid in expressing my experiences and feelings because good Christian moms are never discouraged, never depressed, never angry with their babies or husbands or God. We must always have a smile on our faces, always appear put together with clean, well organized homes and clean, happy babies. To be otherwise is failure.
I am nervous sharing the truth because while I’m sure other women are experiencing the same things, no one talks about these things and what if I am the only one! Oh no! I’m such a bad mom!
In the first two months of Jack’s life I was completely overwhelmed with the responsibility of caring for him. I had wonderful help from my mom and sisters and husband, but when the extended family went back to Minnesota and Tim went back to work I found myself caring for Jack nearly 24/7 and being totally exhausted.
I did not enjoy it.
There, I said it. I was not happy. Jack was fussy. I was feeling depressed from being so tired and alone. Desperate for something to distract me from life, I checked out the first season of Desperate Housewives from the library to watch while I was breastfeeding and I was hooked. One of the housewives, Lynnette, was a particular comfort to me because she admitted she did not like being a stay-at-home mom. She struggled to keep herself together and ended up turning to her sons’ ADD medication in order to have the energy to keep up the façade of perfect wife and mother. There is a scene when she finally loses it, throws her kids at her friend and runs away. Her friends find her and reassure her that they have had the same moments. They too cried during their kids' nap time and were not happy. Lynette said, “Why don’t we tell each other these things?” “Does it help?” “Yeah, it helps!”
Yeah, it helps.
So I’m stepping out. I work through my thoughts and issues through writing. I always have. And I have felt that God has wanted me to share my experiences and my challenges. I am currently working on a more “professional” writing project, but I also need to blog. I need to vent. Not that it will be negative, but it will be honest. Yeah, I’m scared of what people will think. I’m afraid of what my mother-in-law will think. I’m afraid of everyone seeing the true Leah. But I need an outlet and I hope at least a few women may relate.
While I see myself as an intellectual, independent woman, I find that I spend most of my day attached to a baby boy named Jack and I struggle in knowing how to care for him day to day.
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