Thoughts on the Last Post

The responses to my last post made me think a lot about what I experienced nine or ten months ago. The truth is I actually wrote the majority of that post last March or April. I wrote it when I was much closer to the drama than I am now. I wrote it when I was struggling to reconnect with God after feeling so far away from him for so long.

But your comments about hormones and depression made me start to wonder. What was going on with me emotionally? I know one thing, I regret that I could not enjoy Jack during those first months of his life. I blame it all on the troubles we had with breastfeeding - which was huge, I've only mentioned it a gazillion times on here - and I feel like I need to mourn the loss of what I felt the first weeks should I have been like. But am I really any different from the average mom postpartum?

Does anyone know the difference between hormonal baby blues and all out postpartum depression? It seems most moms I know struggle the first couple of months or more, but only 10% are diagnosed as depressed (or so I've read). Does anyone know why?

I have another post in the works on "survival mode" and I would love to hear what your experiences were like those first few weeks or months of your baby's (or babies') life. Did you enjoy your baby? Did you just "get by"? What went on with you?

Realistic Beauty

Though I try to be grateful that my weigh continues to drop (at least I think it is, I don't have a scale to actually confirm this), I can't help but be frustrated over the fact that I do not know how to dress my postpartum body.

Beginning with the top, my arms are a little flabbier (though Jack weighs a gazillion pounds), my breasts are bigger, I have a little pooch for a stomach, my hips... well, they seem to be slowly shrinking, my legs will not remain hairless, and my feet are still a size 9.5 (well, they were always that size, still way too big for me).

Fortunately I came across this article which promises to answer all of my problems! Their advice?

Accentuate the positive!

Show off that awe-inspiring post-partum rack. A bull’s-eye print works well on sweaters, and in warmer months, pasties are sure to draw the attention just where you want them. How about some tassels? Get creative!

Your forearms are probably still delicate and lovely, no? Wear elbow-length sleeves, oil up your exposed arm-parts, slap on a little glitter, and wave them around gracefully. Strangers will be so impressed, they won’t notice, you know, the rest of you!

Are you an all-over mess? Aw. We bet you still have nice eyes! Play them up with false eyelashes and liquid eyeliner, slip on a burka, and you’re good to go!

Hide the negative!

There are countless ways you can confuse, dazzle, or blind anyone who comes near you. Here are only a few.

Mirrors

Sandwich boards

Multiple flotation rings

Layers upon layers of tulle

Christmas tree lights wrapped around torso

Black duct tape

Feathers!

Beaded curtain hanging from neck

Giant fanny pack filled with puppies

An enormous bustle to even out proportions

Mascot costume

You’re an astronaut!

(Seriously Corrie, thanks for posting this site on FB)

On a more serious note, Glamour magazine seems to be drawing quite a bit of praise for publishing a nearly nude picture of a plus size model in their September issue. On the Today show this morning, the editor in chief nearly promised Matt Lauer that we can see more of this realistic beauty in the future.

The model has this to say about the response:
"When I read [the letters] I got teary-eyed!" she says. "I've been that girl, flipping through magazines trying to find just one person who looked a little bit like me. And when I didn't find it I would start to think there's something wrong with the way that I looked. When J. Lo and Beyoncé came out and were making curves sexy, I started to accept myself more. It's funny, but just seeing them look and feel sexy enabled me to do the same."

Maybe someday we can all have a realistic expectation of what we should look like and an appreciation of our beauty. Especially postpartum.

Accepting the Fat

I feel fat.

I have never had a weight issue in my life. If anything I was too skinny in high school. Now I find myself 20 pounds over my normal weight, perhaps 30 over what I would like to be, and it feels awful. Friends and family reassure me that I look great and I appreciate that, but I just don’t like what I see.

I really didn’t think it would be like this. What I thought would happen was I would breastfeed Jack and that the pounds would come flying off of me. Oh, and I could eat whatever I want too. By two or three months postpartum I would be back to my pre-pregnancy weight. That’s what people told me! And worse yet, that's what the books said! It was too easy to believe them.

Liars.

I’m surprised how much this has taken a toll on my self-esteem. It has only added to the discouragement I feel about being alone at home and unable to find a job. I still look four months pregnant, my clothes don’t fit well, and… and I just hate it. It feels lousy.

I’m trying to eat healthier. Eating more veggies at snack time and light meals for dinner. But I get so hungry!! Jack just sucks it all out of me – literally! And, on days like today when I’m worn out because Jack needs extra attention and Tim has been working four ten hour shifts in a row, it is easier to heat up left over pizza than to try to pull together a decent meal.

Working out hasn't been easy either. Up until recently, Jack was only able to be awake for an hour at a time. I could work out during a nap, but if he woke up early I wouldn't get a shower. Only recently have I been able to go on walks, but the weather seems to be confused here in Colorado and winter has come several months late.

Weary. Weary. Weary.

I wish our culture would be healthier. I wish the ideal wouldn’t be for me to be 5’ 6” (my height) and 110 pounds (way below healthy). But you turn on the tv or open an ad and all of the women are size 0 or less. It makes a normal, healthy woman feel fat. And it makes me feel like I’m failing to be what I “should” be.

So, the question is this: can I accept myself the way I am? Can I love myself even though I don't like what I see? Can I find myself beautiful with a flubby, stretched out tummy? Can I learn to see that tummy as the fabulous vehicle that brought my wonderful little boy into the world?

Oh God! Help! I need to see myself as You see me and not as I do! I need to know I am lovely. I need to know I am who You want me to be. I need to know my worth does not depend on meeting expectations – especially when they so often are my own false expectations. Please – help me trust You and Your love. I need to remember as You’ve taught me before that that’s where my worth comes from.

“The Lord does not look at things human beings look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” ~ Yahweh (1 Samuel 16:7)