I'm not sure if I've talked about my concerns over Jack's developmental abilities such as rolling over, crawling, etc. on here, but he seems to be slower than most babies his age. I've stopped looking at what "should" happen for some time now, but now something HAS happened! Not only is Jack able to sit up on his own for fairly significant periods of time, but on Wednesday he rolled over! Sure, he still hates tummy time and has a temper tantrum whenever I put him on his stomach, but I don't feel as bad for him anymore since he can get himself out of that position. Hopefully the crying will go away soon.
Yesterday my sister Chelsea and I went to Water World. It was so wonderful to take the afternoon off, leave Jack at home with Tim, and act like a little kid again! But one of my favorite moments of the day happened while we were entering the park.
As I was stopped to have my bag checked, the teenage boy looked inside and muttered, "What the heck is this?"
"A breastpump." "What?!" The guy's mouth dropped open and in one flustered movement he closed my bag and handed it back to me. Chelsea told me he just watched me walk away with a look of horror on his face.
The other day I had the joy of holding my friends’ four day old baby girl. As I held the tiny bundle, I once again was in awe over how precious a new life is. I also could not remember Jack being that tiny - but as you can see, he was!
While there, I began talking with my friend about her struggles with breastfeeding. It seems most women have some issues in the first weeks (most women except my mom who was stunned to see how difficult it was to get Jack to latch on), but nobody really tells you that.
My first week as a mom was simply horrible. Jack would not open his mouth large enough to latch, then he would get frustrated and cry. This caused his tongue to go to the roof of his mouth which made latching on impossible! We would calm him down, try again, get frustrated, cry (not just him, I was too half of the time), and so on and so forth. On average it took 45 minutes to get him to latch on. Then he would eat for another 45 minutes during which I held my breath lest he should get startled, pull off, and we would have to start the whole process over again. By the time a feeding was over, I was done and wanted someone else to take him.
I felt so guilty because the thought of my son didn’t bring feelings of love, but of stress and depression. I remember holding him one day when it wasn’t feeding time. I cried over him and told him I was sorry for being so impatient with him (and I was impatient, trust me). I sang to him “Baby Mine” from Dumbo, promising him I did love him even if I didn’t feel it and showed it poorly.
Thankfully, God gave me the nipple shield. We never had a problem after that. I tried to wean him from it when he was 6 weeks old, but the added stress seemed pointless to me. I figured a nipple shield fit into my ideals of redemptive theology (God heals all things which are faulty and imperfect), so I ignored those who were concerned that a nipple shield wasn’t good enough. Seriously, I was shocked at how many “professionals” wanted me to wean from the nipple shield. Why? I was just starting to like my son. I didn’t want to break that streak. So, for the past seven months, we have used a nipple shield. Sure, at times it is irritating. Especially when it fills with milk, Jack knocks it off, and I’m suddenly soaking wet. But without it, I wouldn’t be breastfeeding today.
That’s my story. I wish I would have tried a nipple shield earlier. Then maybe I would have enjoyed that first week of Jack’s life. I could have been in awe over his tiny mouth, fingers, and toes. Next time I won’t wait so long to use a nipple shield.
Anyway… I didn’t start writing this thinking that I would tell you my story. I want to give little pieces of advice for those new moms about things that made breastfeeding easier for me. There’s just a few…
·Next time around, I am not going to give my baby a pacifier right away. We did that in the hospital and I think that hindered the latch. At the same time – I love the pacifier. It is still very soothing for Jack even though he usually treats it like another toy.
·Get two books: Breastfeeding Made Simple (WAAAY better than that la leche league book) and If These Boobs Could Talk. The first will clear up the confusion. The second will make you feel better, trust me.
·Don’t be afraid of a nipple shield. It saved my life and kept us breastfeeding. People say there are concerns about milk production going down and mastitis, but if you have the right size you will be fine (there are pictures on the Medela website to help you see if you have the right size). This article from kellymom.com helped me a ton.
·The Medela lanoline is the best.
·Invest in a couple of good nursing bras. Those bras from Target are not good. The Bravado Body Silk bra is my favorite. I don’t think I’ve ever had one that is so comfortable. And it really does grow with you! I’ll probably wear it when Jack is weaned… if it still fits!
·Rent a hospital-grade pump right away. Then, when you’re engorged you can pump away the pain. The milk from that time gave me a wonderful supply in the freezer.
·If you don’t work and won’t need to pump often, a hand pump is still a necessity.
·Though it is recommended that you pump after each feeding to keep your supply up– who the heck has time for that?! I really don’t think women have supply issues the way people talk.
·Johnson’s nursing pads were the best ones I found. The cloth ones from Gerber didn’t keep me dry. In fact, they became itchy when I was wet. And I still don’t see how those thin disposable ones do any good… I leak straight through them, even today.
·Oh yeah, and if you choose to use formula or to pump & feed, that’s great. You still love your baby. You are still a wonderful mom. In fact, if breastfeeding is causing depression and isn’t permitting you to love your baby, switching to bottles may be the best thing you can do. Then you can get over the stress and just enjoy your baby. (Also, then he or she will take a bottle which means: 1) daddy can do a 3am feeding 2) you can use a pacifier without problems and 3) you can have a babysitter to go on a date or have a girls’ night out! p.s. The nipple shield has also allowed us to do these thing)
I went to the grocery store and saw a new mom pushing her cart with what was obviously a new born in a car seat (so cute!). As I glanced over - or gawked is more like it, was Jack really that tiny!? - I noticed that the baby was sucking on a bottle that only had water in it. Tim and I had heard a story about a baby that died from too much water in his formula (water intoxication) so I became very alarmed.
I debated with myself whether to say anything to this new mom. I felt so nosy, but decided I wanted to stand up on their behalf and perhaps help out a little (maybe even save a life, in my mind). So, I politely went up to her, asked the babies age, and quickly said, "Did you know babies aren't supposed to have water?"
She told me her doctor told her to give it to him because it keeps babies hydrated and helps with digestion.
What?
As far as I know breastmilk/formula hydrates just fine. But digestion? Never heard that before.
Has anyone else?
Now I'm sitting at home feeling stupid about approaching this girl (I really dislike talking to strangers) and also worried about this baby who was very very cute... and tiny!
The past month has been a time of reflection and rediscovery. I am asking a lot of questions
Who am I again? What do I want to do? What am I good at? What is my vocation? What do I like to do? Where do I fit in? What is my life going to look like now that Jack is in it?
A mentor of mine who I do love and respect told me that life wouldn't change much with having a baby.
Are you laughing?
I don't think he (yes, it was a man) has been around babies much. Actually, I bet he hasn't had a decent conversation with an honest mom about how life does change when a baby enters your life. Maybe I should talk to him so he doesn't unknowingly mislead other new moms. (I never believed him by the way)
Anyway, as I have been writing cover letters and filling out job applications I realized how every thought, every action, every thing I have done in the past seven months has in some way involved Jack. That's not bad in itself, but when taken to far it makes it difficult to explain how I would be the perfect director of some ministry when I've lost myself in my son!
No wonder so many stay at home moms struggle when their last child has left the nest!
Through writing this I realize it is a good thing that I will soon be getting a job. (Have faith! It can happen - even in this economy!) I was very discouraged about a month ago when I realized I couldn't describe the things I'm good at or the things I enjoy. My tendency to obsess over Jack and make all things about him has caused me to lose sight of myself. I need to care for myself, know myself, and love myself in order to love Jack well. It's the whole oxygen mask on an airplane thing.
This feels disjointed. It feels as though I've missed a few steps in explaining myself to you. But sometimes that's how the process of discovery goes. One piece to the puzzleat a time and eventually you get the big picture.
(Speaking of self-discovery - check out what Jack found!)
While I see myself as an intellectual, independent woman, I find that I spend most of my day attached to a baby boy named Jack and I struggle in knowing how to care for him day to day.
Posts
