"I love you more"

This is a devotional I wrote for my cousin-in-law Jamie's baby shower last week.

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After Jack was born and I was struggling to figure out breastfeeding, a question from Isaiah kept coming to my mind. “Can a woman forget the baby at her breast?” At the time, I felt this verse could only be about one thing: engorgement. A book my mom gave me described engorgement this way: “Your chest is the Hoover Dam and Lake Mead is pushing so hard, the dam is going to collapse in about two seconds.” I think it feels like overinflated tires. If anymore air (or milk) goes in there they will explode.

My answer to this question: “No, I can’t forget Jack – my boobs won’t let me!”

But after about 6 or 7 weeks, I finally bonded with Jack. I began to experience a love that was deeper than I could ever have imagine. I ached for Jack. There have been times when I have risked waking him up because I had to hold him that minute. This love changed everything about the way I viewed my life. And it changed how I viewed this verse. Now my answer to the question, “Can you forget your baby?” is:

“No, I can’t forget Jack, because I love him.”

And that’s when the entire verse began to take on greater meaning. In it the Lords says this: "Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you!” (Isaiah 49:15 NIV)

You see, the people of Israel in Isaiah’s time were facing the threat of Assyria from the North. This was a pretty big deal since they found their identity in the land which God promised them in His covenant with Abraham. The land was (and is) pivotal to their existence as a people. Losing the land prompted them to question God’s promises and the covenant He had with His people. In their minds, God had forgotten them because they lost the Promised Land. Their hope as the people of God.

We all have experienced disappointment with God in one way or another. We have all experienced times when we can’t feel his presence or don’t understand what is happening in our lives. So we can all relate to Israel who says in verse 14, “The Lord has forsaken me, the Lord has forgotten me.”

But in Isaiah 49 and specifically in verse 15, God says, “No, I would not forget you. I love you more than a mother aches for her child. I love you deeper. If she were to forget and turn away from this child she loves, I still will not. I have not forgotten you! And one day I will restore this land to you. Do you see how much this mother loves her child? I love you more.”

Motherhood is more than the perfect chocolate chip cookie or heart shaped peanut butter and jelly sandwich. It is more than the different philosophies on parenting. As displayed in Isaiah 50:15, motherhood is one of the many ways God teaches us about Himself and draws us to Him. Through our relationship with our children and the love we have for them, God shows us His love.

It is my prayer, Jamie, that through each event of your life with your baby, you will be sensitive to God’s voice and His words for you. When you are up for a 3am feeding, when you are changing diapers, when you are exhausted and hungry and feel you don’t have anything left to give, and when you delight in your babies giggles, remember that God says to you, “I love you more.”

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I hope this is a message that resonates with you. I'd love to hear how God has used your relationship with your babies to tell you He loves you! Please share!

Never Go Through a Woman's Purse...

Yesterday my sister Chelsea and I went to Water World. It was so wonderful to take the afternoon off, leave Jack at home with Tim, and act like a little kid again! But one of my favorite moments of the day happened while we were entering the park.

As I was stopped to have my bag checked, the teenage boy looked inside and muttered, "What the heck is this?"

"A breastpump."

"What?!" The guy's mouth dropped open and in one flustered movement he closed my bag and handed it back to me. Chelsea told me he just watched me walk away with a look of horror on his face.

Priceless.

The Redemption of the Nipple Shield

The other day I had the joy of holding my friends’ four day old baby girl. As I held the tiny bundle, I once again was in awe over how precious a new life is. I also could not remember Jack being that tiny - but as you can see, he was!

While there, I began talking with my friend about her struggles with breastfeeding. It seems most women have some issues in the first weeks (most women except my mom who was stunned to see how difficult it was to get Jack to latch on), but nobody really tells you that.

My first week as a mom was simply horrible. Jack would not open his mouth large enough to latch, then he would get frustrated and cry. This caused his tongue to go to the roof of his mouth which made latching on impossible! We would calm him down, try again, get frustrated, cry (not just him, I was too half of the time), and so on and so forth. On average it took 45 minutes to get him to latch on. Then he would eat for another 45 minutes during which I held my breath lest he should get startled, pull off, and we would have to start the whole process over again. By the time a feeding was over, I was done and wanted someone else to take him.

I felt so guilty because the thought of my son didn’t bring feelings of love, but of stress and depression. I remember holding him one day when it wasn’t feeding time. I cried over him and told him I was sorry for being so impatient with him (and I was impatient, trust me). I sang to him “Baby Mine” from Dumbo, promising him I did love him even if I didn’t feel it and showed it poorly.

Thankfully, God gave me the nipple shield. We never had a problem after that. I tried to wean him from it when he was 6 weeks old, but the added stress seemed pointless to me. I figured a nipple shield fit into my ideals of redemptive theology (God heals all things which are faulty and imperfect), so I ignored those who were concerned that a nipple shield wasn’t good enough. Seriously, I was shocked at how many “professionals” wanted me to wean from the nipple shield. Why? I was just starting to like my son. I didn’t want to break that streak. So, for the past seven months, we have used a nipple shield. Sure, at times it is irritating. Especially when it fills with milk, Jack knocks it off, and I’m suddenly soaking wet. But without it, I wouldn’t be breastfeeding today.

That’s my story. I wish I would have tried a nipple shield earlier. Then maybe I would have enjoyed that first week of Jack’s life. I could have been in awe over his tiny mouth, fingers, and toes. Next time I won’t wait so long to use a nipple shield.

Anyway… I didn’t start writing this thinking that I would tell you my story. I want to give little pieces of advice for those new moms about things that made breastfeeding easier for me. There’s just a few…

· Next time around, I am not going to give my baby a pacifier right away. We did that in the hospital and I think that hindered the latch. At the same time – I love the pacifier. It is still very soothing for Jack even though he usually treats it like another toy.

· Get two books: Breastfeeding Made Simple (WAAAY better than that la leche league book) and If These Boobs Could Talk. The first will clear up the confusion. The second will make you feel better, trust me.

· Don’t be afraid of a nipple shield. It saved my life and kept us breastfeeding. People say there are concerns about milk production going down and mastitis, but if you have the right size you will be fine (there are pictures on the Medela website to help you see if you have the right size). This article from kellymom.com helped me a ton.

· The Medela lanoline is the best.

· Invest in a couple of good nursing bras. Those bras from Target are not good. The Bravado Body Silk bra is my favorite. I don’t think I’ve ever had one that is so comfortable. And it really does grow with you! I’ll probably wear it when Jack is weaned… if it still fits!

· Rent a hospital-grade pump right away. Then, when you’re engorged you can pump away the pain. The milk from that time gave me a wonderful supply in the freezer.

· If you don’t work and won’t need to pump often, a hand pump is still a necessity.

· Though it is recommended that you pump after each feeding to keep your supply up– who the heck has time for that?! I really don’t think women have supply issues the way people talk.

· Johnson’s nursing pads were the best ones I found. The cloth ones from Gerber didn’t keep me dry. In fact, they became itchy when I was wet. And I still don’t see how those thin disposable ones do any good… I leak straight through them, even today.

· Oh yeah, and if you choose to use formula or to pump & feed, that’s great. You still love your baby. You are still a wonderful mom. In fact, if breastfeeding is causing depression and isn’t permitting you to love your baby, switching to bottles may be the best thing you can do. Then you can get over the stress and just enjoy your baby. (Also, then he or she will take a bottle which means: 1) daddy can do a 3am feeding 2) you can use a pacifier without problems and 3) you can have a babysitter to go on a date or have a girls’ night out! p.s. The nipple shield has also allowed us to do these thing)

Happy Feedings!

The Grossest Things

Top 10 Grossest Things I Have Experienced Since Jack was Born:

(Disclaimer: Talk of bodily functions abound! Not for those who can't handle words like boobs, nipples, poop, pee, etc.)

10. Seeing my nipple stretched out after Jack latched on the first time.

9. Being soaking wet for about a week when I was engorged because my boobs wouldn't stop!

8. Jack's diaper leaking and him peeing all over me while I was feeding him.

7. Jack spitting up on me - I can't wait until that ends.

6. Jack's diaper leaking and him pooping on my arm, stomach, anywhere - it has happened too many times and always with disposable diapers I might add.

5. Jack pooping on my hand while I was changing his diaper.

4. The return of my period. After over a year of its absence, I forgot just how nasty tampons, pads, etc. really are.

3. Jack spitting up in my hair at 1am and me only rinsing it off before going back to sleep, because who wants to shower at 1am?

2. Jack vomiting -not spitting up, vomiting -on me while I was breastfeeding him (in my bra, on my boob... pretty much all over). I think the only reason this is not number one is because I was more concerned about him than myself.

1. Jack spitting up down my shirt and feeling it trickle down between my boobs. (yes it is that gross, it happened again last night and... ew ew ew!!)

Jack is nearly 6 months old and I'm sure many things will gross me out more than these have. For example, he hasn't taken off his own diaper to play with his poop (a story my parents like to tell about me) or eaten rabbit poop (as Beth's baby did). By then I'll be begging him to spit down my shirt... no, no I won't. It's really gross.

Ew.