Thursday, November 5, 2009

Rock Me to Sleep...

I find myself swirling in the downward spiral of self-doubt and low self-esteem. I am overwhelmed with packing, I feel I’m not doing or haven’t done enough to make Saturday successful and so I feel bad about myself. The pain is back in my chest, the hurt over not feeling loved, not feeling valuable.

And I am trying to hear the truth that I am not valuable because of what I do. I just am valuable. I am loveable because I am. And because God is God.

I was just rocking Jack back to sleep (which I felt guilty for because I haven’t been consistent about letting him cry it out – whatever “it” is) and, as I was wrestling with God over these issues, I looked down at Jack’s hands folded over his tummy which rose and fell with each deep breath. I was in awe of him and love for him swelled in my heart.

That’s how God loves me.

The thought came out of nowhere (or maybe sent from Him…) and I am still processing it. God loves me not because of what I do. God loves me because I exist. Because each person is infinitely valuable, loveable and precious.

That’s such a different message from what the world says. There are so many messages that bombard us. There are “the shoulds.” There are the titles, awards, and hierarchies which tell us who is important, who is successful. There are the advertisements that tell us if we had this hair, that cell phone or ate that food, then we would be somebody.

“But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8).

Did you get that? Before you did anything – right or wrong – God loved you and pursued you. The Bible is a grand love story of God pursuing our fallen human race. The laws in the Old Testament were set in place to purify us so we could commune with Him. Christ died to cleanse us so we could have an intimate relationship with Him.

And tonight God loves me even though I am not perfect. He loves me in the midst of the messages saying I'm not enough. He loves me even though I put Jack in front of the TV to get work done. He loves me even though I packed a box too heavy tonight. And he loves me even though not everything will be packed by Saturday.

I imagine Him rocking me to sleep tonight…

watching me take deep breathes…

loving me.

God, please help me accept your love and live in the freedom of the Beloved.


  1. "...But the waves are calling out my name
    and they laugh at me
    Reminding me of all the times
    I've tried before and failed
    The waves they keep on telling me
    time and time again
    "Boy, you'll never win,
    you'll never win."

    But the Voice of truth tells me a different story
    the Voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
    and the Voice of truth says "this is for My glory"
    Out of all the voices calling out to me
    I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth."

    You can do it, Leah! Packing is something that makes me extremely anxious. Just keep going, one box at a time. You can do it.

  2. Leah... I am so sorry to read that you are feeling so incredibly low right now. Even from a distance, I can tell that you are an EXCELLENT mother and wife: you are constantly attentive to the needs of your family; you support your husband as he attends school;you play with Jack, teach him things, feed him, help him rest, and keep him safe. On top of all of that, you write this blog as a means of supporting other women who face similar challenges. You are a beautiful and wonderful person, and I know in my heart that God is pleased by you.

    I really wish I lived in Colorado today so I could come pack some boxes for you while you go for a walk or take a nap! Good luck with the move... it will all get done; I promise!